Spandex Bond

The results of the Real Asean Bond contest are in! It seems like a whole bunch of you voted for Diving Dancing Dinesh. As usual the popular vote sucks harder than an Electrolux. But maybe not because Dinesh has displayed fine taste in naming Anne Hathaway as his perfect choice of Bond Girl. Hmmm I wonder why. She would be great as Double Agent Chesty Larue. Or Flashy McHighbeams. Or Areolar Jugson. Need I go on?

But what is Bond anyway other than a company man with lots of frequent flyer miles. He's still a mere mortal without any superpowers who has to order his martinis shaken, not stirred. A superhero would be able to alter the force fields around his martini to shake it and freeze it until it's ice cold.

Fashionwise, Bond's relegated to a tuxedo or Saville Row suit while a superhero can afford to break out in a costume of vivid colours and fantastical (fantesticle even) detail. Which brings me to where all discerning superheroes shop for their wardrobe needs. Why Spandexman of course! The fact that I went through all of the customer galleries is a testament to an inner strength I didn't know I had. Go me!


In brightest day, in blackest night no evil shall escape my sight, especially now that these ivy-rimmed corrective lenses have banished my myopia.


Hey there King Tut, is that a wireless optical 3-button mouse on your lap or are you just happy to see me?


The best part about being a superhero is being able to fly. Last time they shot me out of a cannonball I flew all the way into Ms Gertrude's prize petunias. Got grounded for it so no flying for a while.


Come sit by me, and with the aid of a beach ball I will visually explain how babies are created for I am...the Masked Fertilizinator.


George Michael (alter ego of mild mannered geeky Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou) is one of my favourite superheroes. I mean he got Cindy, Naomi, Christy and Linda to appear together in the same music video plus Naomi didn't cut anyone! And to think that they arrested him in a public toilet when he was just trying to change into his superhero outfit.


Pirates aren't exactly superheroes but they're funny. Especially when they're all "Arrr! Quick, it be time to join th' conga line agin!".


Just forget about the jeans around the ankles and what's happening on the tv screen behind for a moment. Superheroes need their downtime too! What they do what they've finished saving the world is a private matter. I mean, once the plumber has fixed your leaking toilet, do you care what he does when he goes home? Is it any of your business that he sinks down on the couch in front of the TV with a bag of chips and goes through all the videos made during the day from tiny cameras he installed in bathrooms he was working on (yours being the subject of video tape #2897)? Stop being so judgmental because I really like this outfit. It's so sleek, black and shiny and reminds me of a Prada handbag that I used to covet. I'm getting shivers just thinking about it. Skin is starting to crawl a bit too. OK, must stop looking at this picture.