Spend Up Big in 2005!

Awww...I'm touched, I tell you, touched to receive such a thoughtful message from one of my least favourite designers. But before you think I'm another one of their vapid VIP members, I'm not because I prefer to spend my sugardaddy's hard earned money elsewhere. Truth be told, the only reason why LV even sends me emails must be from that time I emailed customer service asking:

What the hell were your marketing guys thinking when you put J. Lo in your ad campaign? Did it not occur to you that when your highly profitable Japanese contingent demanded more crass more crass, that it was because they had difficulty with their L's and they meant more class more class? Could the money not have been spent on improving your designs instead? Do you have any idea how many times I had to hurry past those billboards on my way to work because I was so freaked out by her alienoid expression beseeching me to come closer because she had an anal probe in Damier Canvas with my name written all over it?

Although they didn't answer any of my questions, I got an autoreply thanking me for my comments and putting me on their email distribution list. Which was quite good of them really when they could have just as easily replied back saying:

70 billion cashed up mainlanders who squat outside our doors waiting for us to open every morning can't be wrong. So suck it up, bitch.

Anyway it's so typical of them to design a card that's hard, shiny and frosty like the foreheads of most of the people who shop there. Well I have my own New Year's message for you:

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND SPEND UP BIG IN 2005!

I also urge everybody to purge their consciences and start the New Year with a clean slate. No, not to me I don't want to know your filthy secrets unless they can be sold for a six-figure sum to a tabloid. Do it at comeclean.com. You'll be greeted by a pleasant female voice with a thick Indian accent, just another consequence of the outsourcing boom. You can also stop by and read what other people have confessed. If you come across one that says "I really want to be more like Tara Reid" it wasn't me!