Real ASEAN Bond

Remember the R U Bond Enough contest I was harping on about some weeks ago? The finalists have been chosen so cast your vote now because voting ends on December 30. Oh how I love it when civilians vie to be crowned the next [insert celebrity here]. Reminds me of that time I entered the Danny Devito look a like contest but didn't win, not because I was female but because I had "too much" back hair.

JEAN

This is the finalist who you must vote for because he is the Hong Kong representative. Jean has an enviable bone structure but the quasi mullet has got to go. It's scruffy and when you try to tame it, the result (as seen in the second picture) is a turban that had a nasty accident with Brylcreem. In the last picture I can see Jean is trying to have a naked zen moment but the way the light catches the his perfectly coifed society dame hairdo in Sparkling Amber brings to mind a Feria hair ad. Which is probably why he says we should vote for him because he's worth it! So if you want to turn James Bond into a hair-flicking pouting nancyboy who can't hold a cigarette properly and quotes from The Truman Show, then you've got our unequivocal support Jean!

JAMES

He certainly has the right sounding name but I believe this is as far as we can take this candidate's attempt to be the next Bond. It could be the consequence of a hairline that is receding faster than my interest in this competition but that is no forehead. It is a fivehead (or a sixhead if you want to be cruel). Do we really want a Bond so devoid of imagination that he lists computers as his special skill and professes his desire to be a computer? Do we really want a Bond who looks like he's about to fall asleep in each photo and who is so lazy he can't be bothered to use CAPS or proper punctuation in his entry? All things considered he'd make a good sort of secret agent who when asked to save the world, replies "I'll be with you with a minute, right after I've finished surfing my bookmarks and had a nap".

DINESH

Dinesh, Dinesh, Dinesh. Your wide grin may indicate that you think this competition is just a big joke but there is nothing remotely funny about that pleather jacket. You are most certainly not the Fonz and even if you were that show jumped the shark when well...the Fonz jumped the shark. Your special skills are diving and dancing which is perfectly fine if you want to work on a cruise ship. Who cares if Ian Fleming (dead) and Moneypenny (a subordinate) approves of you as the new Bond. The point is, the voters won't approve when they see how you've made a mockery of this contest with your opening line: "Why do you look so pretty? I like to think I could match up to your good looks if you let me". Enough with the high comedy, Dinesh. We're not laughing with you. We're not even laughing at you. We're just not laughing dammit.

MARK

Mark has some brooding movie star looks happening but I think he needs a little help in the wardrobe department. Dressed to kill? Yeah, if you were COLUMBO. Do you even have a permit for that thing? No, not the gun, the drab brown coat. He also needs a new photographer because the lighting in the second picture manages to imbue Mark with the pallor of a Thriller extra and accentuate the telltale puckering of an inferiorly cut suit. As for the final photo, Boy George called and wants his hat back. He said you can keep the jacket. What the hell is snowbonding anyway. Is it just a fancy way of saying he is adept at building life-sized snowmen without getting his mittens wet?

ANDREW

The only dimpled chin entrant in this and I think he is going to give Jean a run for his money. However his constant state of confusion will be his downfall. Instead of being dressed to kill he winds up being undressed to kill. When asked to be suave & sophisticated he makes like he wants to engage in a high stakes game of thumbwrestling. But it is in the last photo that Andrew reveals the depths of his perplexity. It's like he's come across the largest, fakest pair of breastesses in his life ever. My god, are they real? They're moving independently from the rest of her body. It's, it's bigger than this whole room. I can't breathe. Must. Not. Look. Aargh. Cannot. Look. Away.
He also can't seem to make up his mind whether he's more like Pierce brosnan or a NZ rugby player. Or between his opening lines. I am also annoyed by the tendency to pepper his statements with all these provisos (I'll jump out a plane..with a parachute of course. I'm positive and funny..unless I'm nervous) Is he a lawyer with mad drafting skillz? Sorry Andrew, your lack of conviction shows that you just don't want to win bad enough. And who can blame you.

PONG

Even if he didn't look like a twelve year old who has never seen the sun before, I can't see Pong winning this one. While Pong may be a common name in Thailand, it's too difficult to explain to everyone else that you weren't named after a terribly addictive arcade game. I do have to praise his answers for being very succinct. While the others would take their girls to secluded romantic spots, he would prefer take his girl to "chil in his Z3". By chil, do you mean having unprotected sex and leaving a mess for Q to clean up? What are you, too cheap to fork out for a room that charges by the hour?
Finally, Pong thinks you should vote for him because he is the real ASEAN Bond. As if by invoking the name of a regional multilateral organization that will somehow lend him some credibility. Leave the politics out of this Pong and focus on diversifying your portfolio. Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? The man has only one look for Christ's sake!

Spirit Fingers is nominated in the Funniest Blog category of the Asia Blog Awards (voting is only allowed once per day). Does anyone even care anymore? Didn't think so.