Yes Virginia

Dear Spirit Fingers
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in the Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon

Aren't you a little young to be succumbing to peer pressure or to be reading a British tabloid? Well at least you're past the stage of being scared by Santa Claus.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He is a real life person with all the attendant basic needs of an adult.

Did you know, Virginia, that Santa's favourite show is Baywatch. It's been voted the worst TV import from the US of all time but there's something about watching CJ or Neely or Summer or anyone really running on the beach in a red swimsuit evocative of the bountiful Xmas season that warms the cockles of Santa's heart. One of his favourite holiday games is playing "Ooh I've been naughty this year" with ex-Baywatcher Traci Bingham.



Ever since Santa discovered Baywatch, living at the Santa Mansion has never been more fun. The toy workshop has been bulldozed away to make room for an indoor heated swimming pool which is regularly patrolled by Santa's personal team of lifeguards.



An invitation to the famously wild pool parties at the Santa Mansion is one of the hardest things to score this side of the Arctic. Still, it sure beats trying to force the reindeer to play games involving rope, a leather studded mask and a ball gag.



What of the toys, you ask (being a prime example of your selfish self-interested generation)? Well it's just too expensive to make things inhouse nowadays. In order to remain internationally competitive, Santa relocated his toy manufacturing base to Guangdong. And those teamster elves have been replaced by nubile nymphs who don't raise questions about minimum wage and occupational health and safety. Just the way Santa likes it.



But doesn't Mrs Claus mind Santa being surrounded by strumpetry all day long? You see, Virginia, the Clauses have what adults often call an "open marriage". He doesn't ask about the toned, muscular poolboy with model looks and she doesn't ask about the well-endowed blonde with 3 children of doubtful parentage. It's the women, not the children that put a ruddy glow in Santa's cheeks and a twinkle in his eye.



Now you realise that when Santa says Ho Ho Ho he's speaking in rap parlance cuz he's a major playa who's down with it. So in summary there is a Santa Claus and as long as his blood test results continue to come back clear, he will live for many years to come.