Wednesday, September 7

Setting world records

Updated: The potentially libellous-free version! We don't want Lohan's reps shutting down this site do we!



When Kobayashi crammed that hundredth barbecued pork bun into his mouth, I knew there was something special about him. One hundred fluffy steamed pork buns and not a single streptococcus suis bacterium to be found! How does he dodge infected meat, set world records AND stay fit at the same time?

A visit to the International Federation of Competitive Eating didn't provide any answers but turned up Sonya Thomas, currently ranked number 2 in the world. I'd like to see people tell her to go and eat a sandwich. Look, she even smashed Cool Hand Luke's record to smithereens:
Eggs: 65 Hard Boiled Eggs / 6 minutes, 40 seconds


I have long suspected that it's the slim and petite ones who are the most proficient at Sunday lunch buffets. Similarly, in Hollywood there are many celebrities whose slender frames belie their inner strengths. Their amazing consumption records have to be seen to be believed.

Lindsay Lohan

Record: 100 grams powdered cocaine fat-free lettuce salad, no dressing/one night at Bungalow 8

Kimberly Stewart

Record: 30 wraps amphetamines mini dried seaweed sheets/while waiting for runway show to start

Mischa Barton

Record: 45 ecstasy tablets tic tacs/about the time it takes to walk down the red carpet

Mary-Kate Olsen

Record: 1.3 pounds crystal meth sunflower seeds/during one lecture session at NYU

Paris Hilton

Record: 130 speed balls salt free crackers/faster than you could ever imagine

Nicole Ritchie

Record (Unconfirmed): 250 grams crack cocaine soaked raw mung beans/5 minutes 20 seconds
(Pending investigation into whether Lindsay Lohan was also in the same bathroom stall at the time)

7 Comments:

At 11:39 AM, Blogger evangeline said...

walking skeletons >.>

 
At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

is there a potential of libel in this posting?
-manonmars

 
At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms Fingers, I bow down to your superior pharmacological knowledge. Kudos?

LBYB

 
At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, you can see their ribs...

 
At 12:36 AM, Blogger veggieboo said...

I don't even want to know what porkbuns are.

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger j-a said...

i see you're taking the spirit of libel and lifting it up to the level of mount everest.

 
At 2:40 AM, Anonymous jeff said...

Paris says she doesn't do drugs because it's horrid for your complexion. Nicole, on the other hand....

 

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