The Posh Commandments

Strange forces seem to be afoot with the ex-Spice girls. No sooner had Victoria started dispensing style commandments from a mountaintop, when Geri began to fervently sermonise over her immaculate conception. What next, Emma Bunton is going to turn up in a reality show set in the belly of a whale?

Given Victoria's media omnipresence, it does seem appropriate for her pronouncements to carry such sacred weight. It won't be long before she makes believers out of us so why resist the divine plan for her flock? Let her shine a lamp on your path and point the way to a posh and charmed life:

1. Thou shalt not have no fashion icons before me, except maybe Kate Moss (or Duchess Camilla if thou are visibly getting on in age and unable to wear a Robert Cavalli leopard print mini with confidence)

2. Apart from fashion magazine bumper issues, thou shalt be wary of picking up any other reading material that requires more than just a cursory flipthrough

3. Thou shalt bear false witness in relation to allegations that thy hardened cantaloupes that pass for breasts have had some work done

4. If thou wanna be my lover thou gotta get with my friends

5. Thou shalt covet thy neighbour's Rock & Republic "VB" jeans so badly it hurts

6. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour and do all thy shopping. On the seventh day thou shalt rest in a tanning booth, wearing nothing but oversized glasses and a surly expression.

7. Thou shalt not eat

8. Thy husband shalt not commit adultery and then leave behind evidence in the form of raunchy SMS text messages

9. In the event of no. 8, thou shalt publicly humiliate him by making dubious fashion statements as a couple.



10. At thy friend Elton's wedding, thou shalt dress like thou are trying to turn a gay man straight but end up achieving the opposite effect