Mozart would have liked that

Were I a socialite, the Vienna Opera ball would definitely be something to prattle about in a high-pitched voice over afternoon tea and cucumber sandwiches. This year is particularly special because firstly Carmen Electra was selected to be a special guest and secondly (and slightly less importantly so) the event is celebrating its 50th anniversary.

As befits the status of this glittering occasion, the dress code for men is insufferably strict and requires the full coat and tails shebang. It has also become custom for the more privileged to make a grand entrance (as above), accompanied by a side of breast and thighs. Carmen Electra's decision to avoid embarrassing America by keeping her clothes on met with public approval but private disappointment.


However it is clear that Carmen, in displaying her inability to air kiss with aplomb, is still very much unschooled in the ways of the socialite. Female-on-female kissing that doesn't involve tongue has never really been her forte.

Carmen Electra may seem like a very random choice for something so highfalutin' but when you look at the more recent celebrity guests, you can detect a trend emerging.


Yes, they would all be names that come to mind when trying to cast a low-rent Bond girl, which is exactly what this role amounts to. Instead of out saving the world armed with the knowledge of nuclear technology and sexy high kicks, her task is to make sure that her aging Austrian playboy escort passes out drunk before he can get in a good grope.

Naturally there are some fuddy duddys who don't appreciate interlopers without old money and inbreeding on their cv. "These women are horrible. Their presence damages the event's distinguished image," says a woman who slept during the 1990s and missed out on two of the biggest phenomena of that golden age - Baywatch and Spice Girls. Furthermore the definition of distinguished really depends on whether you have remembered to put on your pince nez glasses:


Let's take a closer look at that sumptuous bit of jewellery on the lady who isn't with Austro-Elvis.


On a less superficial note, there is more to the Vienna Opera ball than just basking in the abundant opulence and affluence on display. You can listen to the opera and waltz the night away and generally do all the magical things you wished you could do instead of being a Cockney flower seller huddled by the roadside cursing out the cold night air.

You also have the opportunity to meet people who are unfamiliar with the concept of public transport. It's not everyday you make the acquaintance of someone who married Germany's wealthiest plastic surgeon for the freebies, was arrested of his murder but later released, then went on to snare a prince and still had time to make their own website (www.tatjanagsell.com).