Wednesday, February 22

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time

Everyone in Milan is reeling at the possibility that one of their richest and most stylish could go to jail. And all because he ticked the wrong box on his tax return. Given how fast fashion moves, a two year prison sentence would be a disaster. By the time Cavalli gets released, he'll only be remembered as that guy who was excessively fond of animal prints and designed other stuff that made Sheryl Crow, Alicia Keys and Scarlett Johansson look totally crap.

Unbeknownst to the public Roberto Cavalli has actually been under investigation for some time. Unless they got a watertight testimony, tax evasion was the only way they were ever going to nail him. His laundry list of alleged crimes reads longer than most other fashion designers with mob connections. Here's a little of what can be revealed about his murky deeds:

Each year he is responsible for 7 out of 10 cases of indecent exposure at bars. The victims are usually men and the vast majority of them choose suffer silently rather than voice their concerns and risk disbelief & ridicule.

He also recently committed visual assault on the public at large by incorporating tie-dye into his menswear collection. The last person who wore this was effectively exiled from his neighbourhood.

Informants have observed plenty of suspicious activity at his notorious pool parties. It has been rumoured that these men are part of a giant conspiracy to convert ALL males into buffed and hairless Adonises in tight speedos.

In Asia, the kingpin furthered his criminal network by trafficking sordidly detailed fashion phones. These phones were sold without proper warnings about how they can lead others to believe that the owner lacks good taste.

Finally, the designer stands accused of perpetrating massive fraud. Over the past few months he has been carting around a wax mannequin of Victoria Beckham at public events and trying, very successfully in fact, to pass it off as the real thing. Counterfeiting celebrities is a serious offence and when the authorities catch up with him, we can expect some harsh justice to be meted out.


At 2:09 PM, Blogger DICEY said...

Blech! Victoria Beckham indeed looks like plastic.

At 10:39 AM, Anonymous beautifulatrocities said...

Pretty funny. It's too bad you couldn't work Bai Ling into it, though. BTW, is this movie Perhaps Love out there? It looks interesting. Also, can we please have a post called The Faye Wong Story?

At 12:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buffed and hairless Adonises are bad? Now I have confirmed a private theory. I'll keep it to myself though. Love the blog, you bring much joy.

At 2:07 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

Surely these are photoshopped. No one could go out in pubic--excuse me, public--dressed like that! Tell me they are all fig leaves of someone's imagination!


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