Saturday, February 11

When you love your woman more than your stonewash jeans

Male dolls are so whipped. Why should Ken have to change for Barbie. Why can't Barbie change for him? I don't see her getting any younger. She could certainly use a routine nip and tuck, a little collagen to make those lips more Jolie-ish and bigger breasts. Who doesn't need bigger breasts?

I can just see it now. It all started with an internal memo at Mattel with the subject heading "Degaying Ken". But don't you think that this sort of drastic change should have included a public consultation stage? Instead Mattel has chosen to employ the services of a celebrity stylist simply because he is used to dressing up plastic looking figures on a daily basis.

First there is beach fun Ken whose shiny board shorts are surpassed by the shininess of his hair. Easy on the Pantene Pro-V there dude! You can really tell that he's out of his element because of the way he stands there, with his mobile phone at his feet. Pockets, Ken, talk to your seamstress about getting them sewn in. Beach fun Ken is trying to matchup to Blaine, the Aussie surfer hunk, who Barbie unceremoniously dumped him for. That's right, in Australia 90% of the men are called either Blaine and Brock. The rest are simply referred to as Thorne. Admittedly Ken's new look is better than his initial ill-advised attempt to "dress up" for the surf and sand as if he were an extra in an only-for-Japan Fanta commercial.

The second model is finely chiselled Ken, who seems to be styled like a reject from Rockstar: Inxs, so maybe his job involves auditioning for reality shows. As part of his makeover Ken agreed to adopt this more laidback career path after Barbie complained he was spending too much at work. His previous job entailed being a weak-chinned company man who got ready for work each morning by unpinning his high-powered accoutrements from a memoboard and dashing out the door to catch the carpool.

You have to feel a degree of awe and pity for a man who will change his clothes, job, facial definition and sexual orientation for one woman. Well I wish Ken best of luck because the path to winning true love is never an easy one. As far as stiff men go, he's still got plenty of competition.


At 11:30 AM, Anonymous marshmallow said...

yeah, i thought it was a bit too much when i saw ken on the today show. the manilow is really still going strong, compared to ken!

At 12:07 AM, Blogger moleboy said...

Ah, yes. Blaine-Brock-Thorne
These are, of course, the names used on all Penal Colonies.
Blaine - Lifer.
Brock - On hard labor
Thorne - destined to spend alot of time in solitary confinement for complaining about the other guys using him as a 'toy'

At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not sure whether I should be sad or not to say that I owned the Ken doll depicted in the center of the top picture--the one in turquoise and purple. I think he was supposed to be "Western Ken," circa 1989. (Give me a break--I was 5.)

Anyone know if the modern, updated Ken wears boxers instead of the molded-on, flesh-toned briefs he used to wear?

At 4:18 PM, Blogger POPdog said...

ha! go manilow. that guy is back on top where he belongs.
Your blog is bomb, who doesn't love bashing into the stars once in a while? You should check out my buddy and I's blog, FauxPop, we rip into the entertainment world in a whole new way like you do.
I wish I could look like Ken...

At 6:22 AM, Blogger Virenda said...

Okay Oprah found out that Ken is in fact supposed to be Barbie's brother. (long tme ago)

Now the "new' ken looks like a fag (gay), even more so than before. It's obvious now that Ken is more interested in another Ken than in Barbie, poor girl.


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