Tuesday, November 22

Crazy patents

If necessity is the mother of invention then "having too much free time to spare" is clearly its bastard father. I cannot think of any other way to explain this section of Free Patents Online. True, I have thought up several hare-brained ideas during my idle lunchtimes. But never in a million years would I have put pen to paper and given them form - it makes it *that* much easier for the courts to have you committed later on.

Kissing shield

The Kissing Shield promotes safe kissing (even with tongue involved) among people who simply must plant their lips on anything that moves. With this plastic faceguard, you can succumb to lust and noisily make out with someone whose mouth is covered with open festering sores. It is also recommended for politicians who kiss babies on the election trail. Yeah, like people are going to use something that's bigger than a dental dam and firmer than cling wrap for kissing babies.

Pet display clothing

Scanning the list led me to realise that a fair few of these patents involve mind-f**king with your pets. The pet display clothing provides about a minute's worth of novelty but after that, it's just sad and smacks of someone trying to raise the bar at Show and Tell. You just know that some people are going to add a little length to the vest in order to experience the sensation of a gerbil scampering about their groin and buttocks. Worst of all is the lack of pocket space:
"Fluid wastes tend to gravitate to the pocket facilitating collection and removal while the passageways and pockets can be rinsed by attachment to a faucet."

Smoker's hat

This convoluted contraption is supposed to improve the air around a smoker and make smokers more socially acceptable to non-smokers. However I'm betting that a non-smoker would rather have cigarette smoke blown straight into their face and ash flicked all over their clothes, than be caught standing next to someone wearing a range hood at a dinner party. They'll need to start replacing the warning stickers on cigarette packs with "smoking will make you die of embarrassment" - it will be a worse deterrent that way.

Animal Ear Protection

Really, there has to be some better way than sticking two toilet rolls over your dog's ears. What about some plastic banana clip combs or a velvet scrunchie, passe as they are in the human world. Food stains can easily be washed away but the image of your pet running around like a wannabe cheerleader will haunt you forever.

User operated amusement for kicking the user's buttocks

Because it's just so much more fun when you do it yourself. According to the description, the amusement apparatus was built with an audience in mind. Presumably the same audience targeted in "Nights in Casa Butts" and "The Spanke Shoppe".

Another blog to visit: Ladycrackerland - more bang for your buck.


At 7:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We could do with that spanker at work. Top post!


At 2:33 PM, Blogger A.Ball.of.Yarn said...

frankenstein's designs wouldn't have been as funny without your running commentary.:)

At 11:35 AM, Blogger LadyCracker said...

xx LC


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