Friday, January 13

The Brad Pitt Vacation

Attention gentlemen of well-do-to means. Have you been married to the same woman for several years? Has she overexercised all the love away? Is your sperm bored?

Well Plan B Travel has the ultimate solution for your mid-life crisis. We've put together a unique luxury itinerary that will surely recapture the wonder that is your masculinity. The Brad Pitt Vacation puts you at the helm of whirlwind 14-day adventure around the globe. Throughout your journey you will be led by one of our experienced tour guides, all of whom are irresistible brunettes named Angelina. By the end of it, you'll feel rejuvenated and ready to pick up life again with a healthy tan and a new family consisting of not one, not two but THREE children.

Day By Day Itinerary
Day 1
Upon arrival in Kenya, you will be met by an eagerly waiting posse of photographers. You will also be introduced to your lovely guide and her adorable Cambodian-born son Maddox who fits the toddler-shaped vacancy in your empty heart. Spend the day getting to know each other by building sandcastles and taking long strolls on Diani beach. Retire to your luxury villa in the evening for a raucuous session of lovemaking with Angelina.

Day 2
Jet into Morocco for a brief stopover. There is much to see in the way of exciting bazaars and Arab-Andalusian style architecture but there is little time. We recommend that instead you savour the richly appointed accommodations by taking a slow long shower with Angelina. Alternatively order room service and do things that even Mickey Rourke would find obscene.

Day 3
Discover a whole new world of shopping delights in Ethiopia. Sift through an electic assortment of babies at the orphanages of Addis Ababa. They are also available at the orphanage gift shops. Haggling is encouraged if only for the fascinating experience itself. Once you've decided which one to take home, mark the occasion with some celebratory copulation.

Day 4
Awaken in a stately manor set in the Buckinghamshire countryside. After a traditional English breakfast, Maddox will lead you on a spectacular tour of the 300 acre estate via dirt bike. If you're not too tired afterwards, Angelina will take out her riding crop and instruct you in the niceties of bareback riding.

Days 5&6
Spend an intense 2 days looking for potential family homes along the Normandy coast. The 9-bedroom Chateau Gabriel is particularly inviting because it is steeped in history and one-ups Johnny Depp. Stop occasionally for unprotected sex.

Days 7&8
Enjoy some downtime in a remote cabin in Canada. Activities include a visit to the Royal Tyrrell Museum to explore the collections at your leisure. Have a quickie in a darkened corner near the T-Rex exhibit.

Day 9
More househunting is in store, this time in Washington DC. Scope out the property market under the guise of an architectural tour. It will give you the chance to pretend to admire the aesthetics of upscale residences while knowing that you will be admiring the aesthetics of Angelina's naked body later that night.

Days 10& 11
From Washington you will be transfer to Pakistan for two days of volunteer activities and newfound political consciousness. It will surely be toilsome back-breaking work which you will be unaccustomed to but it puts your own petty concerns about unauthorised naked photos into perspective. Before departure, reward yourself by a feelgood pat on the back and some more sex.

Day 12&13
Following arrival in Santa Monica airport, prepare for your first set of flying lessons in a single-engine plane. From the airstrip, you will pilot yourself to the nearest courthouse and start the process of legally adopting Maddox and your Ethiopian souvenir.

Day 14
Ride on separate bikes to St John’s Hospital Health Center for Angelina's pregnancy scan. Feeling smug? So you should be! You have reached the end of your magical journey and accomplished more in 14 days than what even the real Brad Pitt could do in a year.

Note: Tailormade itineraries are also available for those on Team Aniston. However we cannot guarantee the same level of satisfaction under such packages.


At 5:42 AM, Blogger Christina said...

Your best post yet. So funny.

At 10:20 AM, Anonymous gia said...

very funny!
i love it!!

At 11:02 AM, Blogger Lorraine said...

Well done!

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

Loved it - and it disproves at least one nasty rumour, that Brad liking to do Jen up the jacksie...

At 1:19 AM, Blogger Danielle said...

damn that's funny!

B. and A should release a sex tape, I'm pretty sure they'd make enough to feed all of the world's children.

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Vixen said...

Wow, this was a fresh perspective. Thanks for sharing!

At 11:32 AM, Blogger j-a said...

not bad. i still can't get over the fact that brangelina have 12 years age gap..yewch...


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