Wednesday, January 4

Shopping rage

What is wrong with the world these days? A man can't indulge in a little consumerism without being flung 20 feet down an escalator?!?! You just don't go around ruining other people's shopping experiences like that. It's one of worst civil wrongs that a person could commit. So far details of the perpetrator have been vague:

He is slim, with short, black hair and is said to have a rough appearance.
He was wearing a black three-quarter-length padded jacket, blue jeans and black shoes.




I'm not going to name any names just yet but I have my suspicions. What's the bet the bastard was also armed with an Ethiopian baby or a Cambodian kid.

Seems like some of us have forgotten how to behave in a retail environment. Here are some tips to refresh the memory:
1. If a 63 year-old woman bumps into you, do not grab a tape dispenser and hit her in the face with it. You are nowhere near famous enough to get away with doing that.

2. No firing of guns in parking lots. What is this, the Old West? The same applies to dressing rooms, queues at payment counters, crowded lifts and food courts. Maybe in mall toilets if you are really desperate.

3. Screaming at fellow customers when you get bumped doesn't achieve anything. You cannot go to a sale and not expect to be shoved around like a sack of bargain-hungry potatoes. It would be incredibly naive to think that people, when confronted with heavily discounted castoffs from last seasons are going to fall into orderly formations to daintily inspect the merchandise - anyone who does so probably still believes in the Tooth Fairy or the authenticity of Mariah Carey's breasts.

4. Do not verbally or physically abuse the sales staff. Especially when they have your credit card details. It is not their fault that these pants do make you look fat or the designer only made these pants in size 6 or these pants only come in a bright mustard colour.

5. Fighting over clothing in public is as embarrassing as fighting over a man in public. This marked down item is like a philandering cad. It will come between the best of friends. It will lead both of you into believing that it loves you, and only you. It will refuse to make a choice, instead taking obscene pleasure from playing both of you against each other. It will boast about its mastery of women to its fellow items of apparel, calling you dirty skank hos behind your back.

6. Treat a shopping expedition as you would a camping trip. This means being prepared. Research your logistics. Wear comfortable shoes and clothes. Pack essentials such as maps, deodorant and bottled water. And bring marijuana. Lots and lots of it. The mellower you are, the less likely you are to run over a child with a shopping cart.

Another blog to visit: Beauty Addict - A little obssessed with makeup.

1 Comments:

At 4:58 PM, Blogger surtr said...

what if you're a guy who likes shopping? am I allowed to indiscriminately punch women?

that would be kind of fun, actually. (the punching part, not specifically punching women.)

 

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