Young Hollywood needs your support
Hel-lo, this is Sean Penn. Actor, filmmaker, journalist and above all tireless crusader. Today I've come to speak to you about one of my pet causes. It's been a while since I had one, but a voice that is seldom heard is a voice that is heard the loudest.
What worries me the most today is the decline of Hollywood. The decline of a system of which I am at once an independent commentator and an integral player. As my peers and I honed our craft to perfection and connected profoundly with movie audiences, we protected our industry from American mediocrity. But somewhere along the line we forgot to pass on important values to the next generation.
Left to run unchecked, they live by a loose moral code and bad principles. The social decay is so evident that it's not abstract anymore. Everywhere I go, I am confronted with Young Hollywood's stubborn, selfish refusal to put on a damn bra.
As a longtime follower of actresses' breasts, I find myself being unable to appreciate the new talent. This hurts not only me, my audience, but also the actresses themselves. After all, appreciating breasts is, for any woman, the ultimate act of appreciation. I am a Goldilocks in the strange and bewildering house of the Three Bears - there's either too much for my liking or too little.
How did we end up in this predicament? Well I can pinpoint the exact moment in 2002 when it all started to go downhill. From then on, there was no longer respect of the undergarment. Is it any wonder that when some starlets go past 25, their breasts have completely slid right off their chests?
I have enlisted some friends, mostly publicists and photographers, to help me in my campaign to restore Hollywood to its perky glory. Don't be alarmed if there's some screaming and scenery-chewing involved. There always is. The goal is to get them back up to about shoulder level.
Jude Law, one of our finest actors, has even volunteered to assist with bra-fittings.
I'm also scheduled to be at the 2006 Academy Awards to present the Best Actress Oscar, so be prepared for some powerful and unscripted words then. When I take to the stage the nominees better be wearing some damn good pushup bras.