Friday, December 2

The Truth About Diamonds



Excerpts as imagined by somebody who is unfamiliar with the nuances of being a rock royalty princess and a card-carrying member of Hollywood's inner circle

"...'I can't stand to hear anymore of your lies!' screamed Chloe. She angrily took the ring off her finger and threw it on the dirty street. She hoped that the diamond would shatter into a million pieces like her heart had upon realising his betrayal. But of course it wouldn't, Chloe thought, because diamond is the hardest naturally occurring substance on Earth. It ranks a perfect 10 on the Mohs scale, even! However she had fallen prey to a popular misconception about a diamond's destructibility. Hardness only refers to a diamond's ability to withstand heat and scratching. Its toughness rating, on the other hand, is actually only fair to good due to its cleavage planes. Had the diamond been struck on one of its weak points it would have easily chipped or fractured......."

"......Today her best friend's pencil-chewing in class annoyed Chloe more than usual. "One of these days you're going to get lead poisoning," she snapped even though she knew it wasn't true. The pencil was actually composed of graphite, a non-toxic form of carbon. Interestingly enough, the diamond twinkling on her ring finger was also another form of carbon. While the chemical formula is the same, these widely different forms or allotropes exist because of their different molecular structures. In graphite, layers of covalently bonded carbon atoms are joined together by weak attractive forces called Van der Waals forces, allowing the layers to slip easily over one another. The covalent bonds in diamond form a 3D interlocking structure which accounts for its rigidity...."

"....After a light salad lunch Chloe and her gang decided to stop by her favourite jewellery store to admire the diamonds. They all looked so sparkly, especially under the small recessed halogen lights that were strategically placed to enhance their brilliance. The salespeople made sure to display their gems against black felt cloth so that even the more yellowish ones would take on a whiter look.....

"....When Chloe saw what was in the tiny velvet box, she couldn't breathe. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen in her life. The 4.5 carat princess cut solitaire must have cost a fortune but not because it was genuinely rare. It was because De Beers, the world's largest diamond company had been able to keep prices artificially high by regulating diamond distribution channels across the world. Recently De Beers agreed to pay $250 million to settle class action lawsuits which accused the company of price-fixing. A savvy marketing campaign hinging on the phrase "A Diamond is Forever" had also conditioned women to expect one each time a romantic milestone had been reached...."

22 Comments:

At 3:18 AM, Anonymous beautifulatrocities said...

Probably written by the same person who wrote Barbara Boxer's novel

 
At 9:44 AM, Anonymous lorelei76 said...

*dies of laughter*

 
At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Dollop said...

If only there was a diamond encrusted goblet at hand with which to adminster a swift glassing.

 
At 8:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, I get it now... the truth about diamonds, the most overrated crystalline structure.

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger sunshiney said...

I think I wrote better stories than that when I was in elementary school. What the f**k?? What the hell is this book supposed to be about?

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger sway said...

woooowwwwwwww, snopes could use her book as a reference. I'm throughly impressed that she's so smart she impresses her smartness upon us.

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger Alex said...

she knows how to use an encyclopedia! Our little dumbass is all grown up!

 
At 2:32 PM, Blogger Blandwagon said...

Once again, SF, you throw your pearls before swine. We're so not worthy.

 
At 2:37 PM, Blogger DICEY said...

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
but diamonds are a girl's best friend....
...because diamonds can withstand
extremely high temperatures and corrosive conditions,
and because they are transparent
to most forms of light and electromagnetic radiations.
Therefore diamoooonds... dadadadiamonds
Are a girls best frieeeeeend!

 
At 10:32 PM, Blogger divinetrash said...

I had a quick flick through a copy at the bookstore but unfortunately couldn't find anything as hilarious as the excerpts you dreamed up.

Although she has included, for a reason that eludes my comprehension, a 20 page centre spread of "tasteful" glamour photos of herself. Surely these photos must relate to the plot of her "novel", and not to her own rampant egotism and vanity?? If not I will be very disillusioned indeed about this rock royalty princess and a card-carrying member of Hollywood's inner circle...

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger surtr said...

wow. I'm all hot now. superficially ditzy, but able to discuss allotropes? rowr.

I mean, sure, ACTUALLY stupid rather than just superficially, but meh.

 
At 11:53 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Maybe the 20 pages of photos were needed to pad out the book. The only excerpt I read was the one where she said she wore her first bra to a club. I didn't even know we were supposed to wear bras when we went clubbing.

 
At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you've ever seen Nicole without a bra or topless, then you'll know why she'd wear one to a club. She is small, yet saggy.

BTW, the captchas here are so totally illegible that I can't see myself bothering to comment much. I'm not going to try three or more times to post one lousy comment.

 
At 4:08 AM, Anonymous Elle in ATL said...

The writing is way too advanced for her..... she couldnt have possibly written all that.

 
At 5:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait seriously, this can't really be from her book. Can it? Is it!?

 
At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

leave her alone!! judging from what the rest of you have written you couldnt do anything as good as what shes done. at least she tries to do something for herself and tries to make a name for herself out of something more than being a famous persons daughter.
anyway, the rest of you are just jealous because youve got nothing better to do than to bag out people you wish you were as cool as on the internet

 
At 3:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"leave her alone!! judging from what the rest of you have written you couldnt do anything as good as what shes done. at least she tries to do something for herself and tries to make a name for herself out of something more than being a famous persons daughter.
anyway, the rest of you are just jealous because youve got nothing better to do than to bag out people you wish you were as cool as on the internet"

This fails because, when I recieved my third consecutive C average paper I began to take my highschool and college english teachers seriously and went the path of science. She fails at both.

 
At 4:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, you people actually write this stuff, which by the way, nobody gives a rats sagy vagina about, but even though, ask your stupid, idiotic, possibly six year old self, "Whose the rich one here?" Nobody can believe a celebrity wrote a novel, but guess what? These people actually have lives like you, just because they live it better than you, doesn't make you any smarter. When you people actually can publish, like, even a piece of paper into the world [that they'd actually care about] then you can talk. And P.S. for all the people that claim that you "attended" a so called, "college" try not to sound so full of yourselves, saying that you got all these "degress in science and english." Puh-lease! You probably work in McDonalds or something. *sigh*

 
At 4:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe you guys should read the book instead of hating it automatically...its really good...you guys are dumb!

 
At 12:20 PM, Anonymous Web Designing Karachi said...

I’m so glad someone like you have the time, efforts and dedication writing, for this kind of article…

 
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