Thursday, December 15

Extending my audience reach

Looking at this blog over the past year, I've noticed that my posts have a tendency to alienate a very important part of the population. It was completely unintentional on my part and I apologise for neglecting the very very rich. Going forward, all that's about to change. In the new year I hope to pander to the seriously wealthy. Maybe some of them will let me into their gilded world and make me their token poor friend.

Actually why don't we start now, with me telling you about all the expensive stuff you need to buy for this Xmas, and you inviting me up to Aspen (or wherever the "playground of the rich" is these days) for the weekend.

Teddy bear

Cost: US$41,000
Things to know: The "Bejeweled 125 carat Teddy Bear" was made by Steiff to celebrate 125 years of quietly efficient German teddy bear making. There are only 125 worldwide, which means that poor old Africa will probably miss out again. The bear's pupils are made of two sapphire cabochons (total approximately 12 carats) surrounded by forty diamonds (total approximately one carat). Its nose and mouth have been worked in pure 24 carat gold and it is covered in gold silk mohair. Like Tom Cruise, it is 50 cm tall and stuffed with wood shavings.

Dog necklace

Cost: US$41,500
Things to know: The 30 carat Rio Diamond necklace for dogs contains 693 diamonds set in 18-carat white gold. Available at www.otisetmoi.com. Strangely enough some of the dogs on the same website look like the ladies who lunch downtown, which means that the necklace has great reusable value, should your puppy tire of it.


Snoopy figurine

Cost: US$46,903.
Things to know: A Japanese jeweller produced 10 of these to commemorate Snoopy's 55th anniversary. It does nothing except stand there, encrusted with black, white and pink diamonds and thinking platinum encased thoughts. No bobblehead feature even. As Lucy Van Pelt said to Charlie Brown: "We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know."

Perfume

Cost: US$198,197
Things to know: Master perfume-dude Clive Christian has concocted a scent so special that there are only ten bottles available - five at Harrods and five at Bergdorf Goodman. "Imperial Majesty" comes in a Baccarat Crystal bottle with an 18 carat gold collar and 5 carat diamond stud. It is also delivered in a Bentley car instead of a soggy crumpled brown package. I could probably pour the contents out and pee in it, and it would still cost the same.

Fruitcake

Cost: US$1.65 million
Things to know: Designed by a Japanese pastry chef, this fruitcake is composed of 223 small diamonds. The chef claims that it took 7 months in the making which is an awfully long time in my opinion. I thought it was a matter of just throwing it all into the batter and following the instructions on the box. The big question is, how do you slice up the cake to ensure an equal distribution of wealth? Sorry, that was a tad socialist.

Wedding dress

Cost: US$1.7 million
Things to know: Yes, it is from Japan again but can you blame them? Their economy is happening again! This platinum wedding dress designed by Keiji Tagawa is a smorgasboard of jewels - 1,250 platinum beads plus thousands of pearls, aquamarines, moonstones and crystals. Not to mention the platinum strings from 0.3 microne foil. Have the prenup say that if you both don't make it to your platinum wedding anniversary, she can have the dress and melt it down into a necklace or something. She'd be a fool to turn down your proposal.

Another site to visit: Mary Ellen's Sweet Soaps - Whether you are a gold digger or just aspiring to be one...we have put a positive spin on this negative notion! The bag reads "She's savvy 'n sweet and fashionably complete". SO be a gold digger or just bathe like one with this 3 ounce glittering gold soap nugget.

5 Comments:

At 2:06 AM, Blogger Jenn said...

And now I realise my Wishlist was so lacking! What was I thinking? I'm off to edit it now.

But first some questions. When you eat the fruitcake with the diamonds, do you pick them off and put them on your plate and then - what? Into you pocket to take home after tea? Do you give them back to the hostess? Do you regift them? So many questions from one small cake!

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger Blandwagon said...

Like Tom Cruise, it is 50 cm tall and stuffed with wood shavings.

STOP MAKING ME LAUGH AT WORK SF!

 
At 11:36 PM, Blogger Danielle said...

hehe, the "equal distribution of wealth" line was pure gold too.... Spirit Fingers is the best!

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger Drops Of Jupiter said...

But really, can you eat a cake with diamonds in it? I'm just asking...

 
At 12:54 PM, Anonymous Teej Mahal said...

That bear has zombie eyes...

 

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