Making your relationship work

Guys, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. A relationship is bloody hard work. You can shock the world with a surprise beach wedding one day and four months later, she turns around and files an annulment, citing fraud. You can marry Aaron Spelling's little girl in a lavish wedding and after one year you're both divorcing and she's carrying a married man's baby. Or you could impregnate one of the world's biggest pop stars and suddenly find your Ferrari being towed away.

Where did it all go wrong? Why can't she understand how difficult it is to remember which child you fathered with whom? Unfortunately the onus is on you to make your relationship work. Women don't need that sort of obligation when they've got other things to deal with like shopping and errant gossip. Because I don't want your relationships to go the way that so many celebrities' have, here are the tools you need for everlasting love.

Flowers
Save My Ass provides "regular but some-random" (similar to my menstruation cycle) flower deliveries to your loved one. It saves you having to call up the bleeping florist before getting the hotel room. Flowers are the panacea for all types of fights, from the loud tearful ones to the little ones that result in you not speaking to each other for days. Flowers make everything better.

How else do you think this relationship survived a phone-tapping scandal and a dead princess?



Alibis
For the times when your penis feels the need to come in contact with some other woman's vagina. When confronted with your normal lover's suspicions, deny deny deny. Nothing happened on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith. Wave your hands angrily around to distract her while your floozy escapes out of the back door. Then produce a convincing excuse that will cow her into submission. I was just teaching Maddox to ride a bike. Using his mother as the bike.

Fake alibi exhorts you to stop juggling your balls by providing all kinds of cover for your debauched trysts. Fake meetings, hotel books and telephone appointments, they do it all as well as making purchases for you. I wouldn't be surprised even if they cleaned up after you.



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