Tuesday, October 26

Scary cats

Hey hey hey it's Fat Fidget (yeah yeah yeah gonna have a good time). Not anymore because after eliminating lasagne from his diet, Fidget the British cat managed to slim down from 22lb to 11lb.

Even Limecat who isn't usually impressed, blinked grudgingly in slight awe. Personally though, I am reminded of those photoshopped weight loss ads where the before and after shots don't look anything like the same person. I even suspect the "after" cat was what they found inside when they did a C-section on Fidget.

Assuming that this is the same cat, why would Fidget need to lose weight anyway? Definitely not to boost his self-esteem because cats are already born with an innate sense of superiority. Plus it's not as if he needs the extra energy for lying around all day and occasionally batting half-heartedly at the tv screen.

When I checked my calendar, it dawned upon me that he has slimmed down in time for Halloween in order to fit into his scary costume. Everybody knows that cats, (especially black cats), as witches' familiars, play an important part in Halloween. There is nothing dumber than seeing two clueless practitioners in the dark arts of skankery armed with the wrong type of animal.

Halloween is a time for cats to strut their stuff and make the night their own personal Mardi Gras. The plethora of Halloween pet costumes for sale on the internet means that Fidget is spoiled for choice, like an Oscar nominated actress deciding what to wear on the big night. The Halloween costumes aren't quite up there with the genius of Cat Prin (which is more casual daywear anyway) but should still be able to cause any human to step back slightly, and say "gaaaahhh what the..."

Go from Fat Cat to Bat Cat! Holy guacamole Bat Cat what do we do now? Meow. Horror of horrors Bat Cat, is there any other way? Hisss. It looks bad, Bat Cat, are you sure you know what you're doing? Purrrr.

I feel a Joe Pesci moment coming on: How am I funny, like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? What is so funny about me? What the F**K is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny.

Behold Hell Kitty, who crouches malevolently by Satan's cloven feet and laps milk daintily from a hand-painted saucer.

Of course, there are some cats which don't need Halloween costumes at all as they are scary enough on their own. For more scary cats, visit www.mycathatesyou.com


At 7:54 AM, Blogger Amelia said...

My very own cat hates me as well as everyone else. What did I do to deserve this? Will my cat ever love me?

At 9:56 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I think that a barely concealed dislike on the part of the cat is the norm. The best one can hope for is a casual indifference.

At 12:59 AM, Blogger Joyce said...

The most scary cat I saw many years ago was in UK, and that cat is from my neighbour, called George. He has cattle pattern and weighted over 30 pounds. :) You can say he is scary, but he looks VERY CUTE. If I had his picture, I would send it to you. :P

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