Total eclipse of the skank
Isn't it great that women can make a career out of turning up on the red carpet wearing little more than: (a) a bustier which squeezes one's oversized boobs together into quarters that are more cramped than the average Hong Kong apartment and (b) a belt.
Maybe it's due to a lack of good plastic surgeons, but Hong Kong has yet to provide such opportunities that the UK has for their "glamour models" (which is a classy way of saying Page 3 girls who don't model designer clothes, or any other type of clothes for that matter). In one corner, we have Jordan and in the other, we have Jodie Marsh. As their public rivalry has been well documented in the tabloids, the burning question on everyone's mind (after the one being how is it that I even know who they are?) is how do they stack up against each other?
Riding living beasts is something that Jordan has been doing for years so it is only natural that Jordan is an adept horsewoman. When faced with the toughest, most stubborn mustang, all she has to do is lean forward and voila, the horse is wearing blinkers.
Jodie is a keen player of dodgeball but her movements on the court are hampered by having to wear the regulation t shirt. See how much more confident and skilful she is once she's taken her t shirt off?
Jordan has managed to churn out an autobiography about what she knows best i.e. Being Jordan. The pages inside may be blank but it has a cover and spine so rather than getting into a convoluted discussion about semantics let's just call it a book and leave it at that.
The closest that Jodie ever got to a book was when James Hewitt, author of a work of fiction about a dead princess, rubbed up against her on a Harley Davidson. Despite the number of times the seat has been disinfected, that bike still hasn't been sold.
Jordan is currently in a stable relationship with Peter Andre and together with her son Harvey, they genuinely appear to be a happy family. It won't be long before she will be attending garden parties to have high tea and discuss wallpaper, her wild party days being relegated to misty water-coloured memories.
On the other hand, Jodie is a one-woman campaign that is out on the town every night pressing the flesh and never missing a photo opportunity with anybody from the amazing Uri Geller to the even more amazing Ron Jeremy.
We know for a fact that Jordan wears underwear ever since she decided to disclose this at a recent Breast Cancer Benefit. Actually wearing this kills two birds with one stone because it also serves to remind us of her commitment to Peter Andre. Clever girl.
Jodie also has been known to wear underwear from time to time, but it is something that she finds extremely cumbersome because of the need to constantly adjust herself or wonder on which nightclub floor she left them.
Jodie always has a bright big smile when being interviewed and has even been described as articulate and funny. Jordan is also incredibly PR savvy and she loves showing off her microphone-handling skills.
Both women have a habit of constantly clutching their boobs. It reflects their shared insecurity because they know their fame rests precariously on these manmade peaks. Even the most gigantic land formations erode over time and so they constantly have to check that their tickets to fame are still there and haven't miraculously deflated overnight.
For her 25th birthday, Jordan went with the tired old Pimps and Prostitutes theme. For such a special event, why would you choose a theme based on what you wear everyday?
While Jodie is careful never to veer out of the broad territory that is skankwear, she shows us how she mixes it up a little with a construction worker theme and a look that can only be described as "What if I rocked up to the gates of Hell in a bra top and jeans and one of Cerberus's heads tore off the crotch section of my jeans because he didn't believe me when I told him that I was wearing eyelet linen panties with mini tassels".
Although both girls are British, Jodie is the one who feels more affinity towards her motherland. Jordan is clearly the more Americocentric of the two, and actually it was her leanings that were a major influence on Tony Blair's decision to form such close ties with the US.
Double sided tape test
To the amazement of onlookers, no matter how much Jordan twists and turns about, her excuse for an outfit somehow manages to defy gravity and hang together. Jodie, while trying to push the envelope in skankiness in this outfit, doesn't fare so well and I can only show you the side view because the front view is proof that double sided tape, like the Pope, is not infallible.
Towards the end of this hard fought battle, my head and not to mention my eyes had started to hurt A LOT. Worse still, I couldn't even tell the two apart to decide who should be crowned Her Royal Ho-ness. I think I'm going to have to declare it a dead heat. Let's pray that they never ever collide into each other on the red carpet because the resulting cataclysmic explosion of cheaptastic trashiness could end civilisation as we know it.