Friday, October 1

Start saving for Xmas

As I was browsing through the Neiman Marcus Christmas catalogue, I learnt several things:

1. For US$325,000, Valentino (king of ballgowns) will make you a breathtakingly beautiful gown, but unfortunately it's in brown so be prepared to look like a human chocolate bar. One with a crispy nutty and wafer exterior that envelopes a smooth milk chocolate center.
2. Sapphires are an absolute bargain. With US$2,500,000 you can get 124.11 carats of pink sapphires and 85.47 carats of diamonds. So don't ask for sapphires for Christmas, ask for an emerald-cut colourless flawless 100 carat diamond instead. That is the only way to tell if he really loves you.
3. The going rate for zeppelins these days is US$10 million. Oh, the humanity!
4. When you are selling a US$125,000 Masserati Quattroporte, just throw in the word moonroof to confuse people.
5. A whole ham costs US$75 and a half ham costs US$55. A whole ham weighs 10-12 lbs but a half ham weighs 3-4 lbs. Please explain.
6. There exists a book called People We Know, Horses They Love. The bestial habits of celebrities musn't be such a hot topic because it's also selling for 32% off at Amazon.
7. The Meade digital camera binoculars boasts lots of new functions which allow you to take high-res photos and video. Stalkers all around the world rejoice.
8. Imagine if you were an innocent rabbit or fox who went through lots of suffering so that people could wear your fur. You'd hope that in death you might at least look fashionable. But then they go and dye you the most virulent shade of purple imaginable. How mortifying, you think.


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