Monogram wipes

In my household, no words hold more urgency than "we've run out of toilet paper". As I am easily swayed by cute puppies, I like to stock up on Andrex extra strong and extra soft. If I ever decide to bring an adorable new puppy home, I will also expect it to immediately make for the toilet, somehow remove the toilet paper from its holder and roll about delightedly in the toilet paper. Otherwise I will be returning it and asking for a refund.

Visitors to your home will often judge your home by the luxuriousness of your toilet paper. That's why they *always* want to use the bathroom when they visit. A sure way to impress your guests in Hong Kong is to have not only monogrammed towels but also monogrammed toilet paper, especially if it's a designer monogram like Louis Vuitton. I cannot explain the popularity of Louis Vuitton in Hong Kong but I've lost count of the number of times I've encountered a woman has chosen to forgo dentalwork and a good hair colourist (resulting in a nasty blonde dye job) in favour of an LV bag.

Given that most of LV designs are in the same brown as the colour of crap, it also makes sense for them to come out with a range of toilet paper. But they haven't yet, so for now you'll have make do with justtoiletpaper.com which can do custom prints or monograms emblazoned in gold, printed in ass-friendly non-toxic inks. Comforthouse.com are also offering 3-initial monograms with a minimum of 48 rolls and at least 4 weeks waiting time, so I don't know what you do in the meantime if you have paid up in full and can't afford to buy any more toilet paper.

Even if you're not inclined to such crass displays of materialism, you're bound to find some other specially designed toilet paper to suit you. Imagine if you're a corporate lackey who has to spend all day pandering to the whims of your superiors, nodding in agreement at whatever crackpot political or religious opinion they have and squeezing out a fake laugh at their lame jokes. Well the Kisses toilet paper is for you because hey, you deserve to get your ass kissed regularly too!

Then there's Just Married toilet paper for when the honeymoon is over and you just realised your new husband isn't as rich or as close to death as you think, plus he is a serial philanderer who walks around in a smoking jacket and carries a pipe. On the other side of the coin, you just realised that your new wife is a gold-digging bimbo who expects expensive jewelry or her own line of clothing before she even lets you sleep in the same bed. Oh yes, this marriage is going down the toilet.

For the keen ranger (and possible future king of Middle-Earth), camouflage packs are useful for covering your tracks when you're out in the wild. Unfortunately there is no amount of toilet paper that can protect you from getting shot at or attacked by fierce animals during those vulnerable moments when you've got your pants down.