Iced bikini

Remember Scott Henshall and his hideously expensive Spider-dress? He has continued his obssession of smothering every piece of flimsy fabric he can get his hands on with diamonds and created the world's most expensive bikini.

Not only is the bikini so pink that only St Tropez Barbie would wear it (and even then, she'd wear it half-off in the daytime, converting it into a zero-kini at night because it's St Tropez mon cherie!), but there appears to be a serviette attached to the front. That Scott Henshall, he's so practical, it's just what a girl needs at the beach so she can wipe the drool from the mouth of her snoring sugar daddy during his third nap of the day.

The problem with these jewel encrusted outfits is that so much time and effort is spent sticking the diamonds onto them that by the end of the whole process, the designers are so tired they just whack it onto the first model and propel her out onto the runway. Never mind that it doesn't fit her properly and causes lumps of flesh to protrude unnaturally from the side. Or that we have to be subjected to seeing something that can only be described as a sacred lotus blossoming out of a crack in some rocks. Highly spiritual.

"I was so nervous and there were security guards backstage who whisked it away the minute I took it off," she said after the show. "I was expecting someone to come out and grab a diamond of it or something."

Come on, Sophie, if anybody makes a grab for you, it's not going to be because of a little diamond. See Hunter, Rachel.

I can't wait for what other "world's most expensive" items will be designed next, so I'm going to hurry the process along with some suggestions:

1. Complement your 5000-thread count sheets with the world's most expensive pyjamas! Sure, you might wake up with little indentations on your back and side, and pillow fights might be a lot more subdued but think about it, you sparkle when you sleep!

2. In addition to diamond shoes (usually seen on some unknown starlet at the Oscars), what about the world's most expensive...shoe horn! Why settle for plastic when you can get one that is solid gold and encrusted to the hilt with precious jewels. Your feet deserves the best.

3. So that the guys don't feel left out, somebody needs to design the world's most expensive boxer shorts! It's just a matter of protecting the family jewels with even more jewels.

Finally, I'd like to suggest the world's most expensive feminine hygiene product. With a diamond sphagnum core and bejewelled wings. Maybe then people wouldn't THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW like they do in my apartment block, the sick, sad losers.