Tuesday, September 21

Dressed to win

Election here, election there, election everywhere. There's been all kinds of new fashion released to encourage interest in voting (which apparently goes hand in hand with having one's way with young women) but what about the politicians themselves. Having the right clothing and accessories is actually a very important factor in deciding the success of an election campaign.

During a campaign a political candidate probably spends an inordinate amount of their time standing in front of a microphone. This can be a problem for some candidates who are short in stature (but tall in promises) and sometimes have to deal with the microphone can coming perilously close to going up their nostrils. What they need is the "Hot Speaker" which won the Bizarre Bra award at the 2004 World of Wearable Art Awards. It's incredibly useful for politicians of all heights because it gives them even more freedom of movement than a sports bra. You can call it a bra, a bro or even a mansierre. I prefer to call it a voice amplification harness.

When they're not in front of a microphone, political candidates are energetically pounding along the campaign trail in a bid to show that their campaign is still running at full speed. It's not something you can do in designer shoes that are only made for striding smugly around offices with plush carpets and lots of expensive artwork. The Masai Barefoot Technology shoe produces a special rolling action that exercises your whole body when you walk.

It benefits posture, joints, muscle and circulation but best of all it reduces cellulite. So even if you do lose the election, you've also lost deposits of fat around your ass and thighs. One satisfied user said that after wearing the shoes, their pelvic floor muscles felt like they were engaging, which I thought sounded kind of rude and is the sort of thing you only say in private to your husband after you've given birth and it's ok to resume marital relations.

I'm no expert in election speeches but I know that they can go on and on, like the Infinite Cat Project without the cuteness. You can resort to doing impersonations of Mole from Wind in the Willows to sustain the audience's interest but it's nowhere near as effective as a tv screen.

By wearing a T-shirt TV you can make a dry speech a little bit more entertaining. Sure you can loop your political ads into some kind of subliminal message but wouldn't more people turn up to watch if you had a riveting soap opera on? The voters will really connect with you when they see how the political debates with your rivals are so similar to the dramatic rivalries between the Forresters and the Spectras. Or what about showing some quality porn? With realistic flesh tones! There won't be any tough questions to field from the crowd - Hang on, doesn't that contradict your policy statement back in...ooh naked boobies!


At 2:49 PM, Blogger j-a said...

i think we should ban televised conferences and force these politicians to commit themselves in writing. so they'd have to post an editorial every week in the local newspaper in the months leading up to elections. that way, they'd have to say something of 'substance'.

your proposal about streaming porn is very intriguing. my own blog may benefit from that idea.

At 6:00 PM, Blogger ONITSUKA TIGER said...

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