Excess Baggage

Going overseas for a holiday is always fun except for the part about flying there and back. Plane travel tends to leave passengers with a sore ass from sitting too long and feeling a bit soiled, tired and disgruntled. Isn't it just like after a drunken fumble in a garbage-strewn alley behind a nightclub? Well I've found some items that will make your travel experience *that* (imagine thumb and forefinger spread, say about, 10 cm apart) much more enjoyable.



Fear of airplane toilets have left me with amazing powers of bladder control. The worst thing is having to wait for an elderly passenger to finish their business. It worries me when they spend such a long time in there. What if they've fallen and they can't get up? What if they've forgotten where they are and think that they are back in their seat? Then after half an hour you hear the toilet flushing and the tap running. But still, they don't come out. What sort of complex ritual ablutions could they possibly be performing in there? By the end of the flight, the toilet is so ghastly that not even Britney Spears would walk barefoot into it. Actually, she probably would if she knew how to get the door open.

With the No Cooties Travel Spray, your surroundings become a little less germy and festery. I cannot wait to go on a spraying frenzy through the entire cabin. Anyone who looks even slightly unwashed is going to get sprayed. Right in the eyes.



Another thing that disturbs me is airline meals, in particular what they choose to call breakfast. Is it egg or a reconstituted kitchen sponge? Is it chopped sausage or the private parts of a dead donkey? The Mobile Foodie Survival Kit contains 17 herbs and spices which you can add to your microwaved mush. Substitute the dill for some "herbal refreshment" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and you'll be flying high in more ways than one..guffaw, haw, haw, haw!



There are no points given for joining the Mile High Club but don't let that stop you, especially since Oro Design has created the Mile High Kit. I've figured out what purpose most of the items in the kit serve but can someone explain what the pocket mirror is for? It seems to take up space that could have been used for extra condoms. Three isn't enough - think of the people who have several connecting flights and doing round the world flights! Don't forget to pick up some travel candles, and download some Barry White music on your iPOD. Just want to make sure you do things properly, that's all.



The Point It Picture Dictionary makes it easier to communicate with locals because not everyone is amenable to having a foreigner butcher their dialect. In particular, there are several pictures of food inside so you don't have to eat at those restaurants with dreaded tourist menus. Unless of course you are in a Hong Kong tour group in which case you are doomed to an entire trip of eating at sub-par Chinese restaurants. Suckers. The dictionary contains over 1200 items so with this handy guide I'm sure that even the most linguistically challenged stranded in the most off the beaten track part of the world will be able to find (in no particular order) some alcohol, a warm bed and a clean prostitute/gigolo.