Achtung Baby

I wonder if proud new daddies Simon of Simonworld and Giles of Sweet Chariots would want a baby stylist. Dressing up babies is fun because you can put them in all kinds of weird outfits and they don't mind too much. Sometimes they might throw a monstrous tantrum but most times they'll just sit there, babble incoherently and gaze around with infantile wonder. Just like supermodels, really.

All the stuff that is available to babies today makes me incredibly envious. When I was a baby, I only had...well, actually my memory doesn't extend that far back. God, I even have trouble remembering the college years of those Saved by the Bell kids. However I did manage to find some interesting baby stuff online and put them in categories that matched my reactions.

TRAGIC

Designer baby goods are just embarrassing and it's hazardous to be introducing monograms to your child at such an early age because it impairs their taste development. In fact you should try and make tacky designer labels as fearful to your child as the boogey man, the monster under the bed and Michael Jackson. So step away from the Gucci carrier, Louis Vuitton diaper bag and Dior milk bottle (even if it does say Diorable). I couldn't find a picture of the Baby Gucci white mink jacket that costs US$4,250 but if anybody has a photo, or even better the jacket itself, please let me know.

THAT IS SOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUTE!!!

Baby items. Sushi style. Who cares if they're unravelled within minutes of opening and you can never get them to look as cute as when you first opened them. Come on, they're wrapped like sushi rolls! In sushi boxes!

Did you know that covering children's heads increases their cuteness exponentially? In Japan, for example, when they have earthquake drills, kids have to wear flameproof hoods (bosai zukin) because safety and looking cute are given equal priority. I couldn't find them selling outside of Japan but I found the next best thing - hooded towels. They come in almost every animal imaginable and there's even one design that's inspired by the Village People.

AAAAH SCARY

Once you get over the fact that it's for babies and not for transporting livestock to the market, this bamboo walker-stroller thing is really quite sturdy and practical. And extremely soul-crushing for the baby too.

WTF?

When your kid is old to drive, say about 7 years old, then you should get them a mini-car. Don't be stingy, bypass the BMW and get the Ferrari or Lamborghini. It's the only way you are going to establish car supremacy over the Chans and you know it.

Oh and finally, quit making such a fuss over those child pimp and ho costumes. There are parents out there dressing their kids like rats, yo!

CREDITS: The bamboo trolley and Gucci carrier were found through Daddy Types, the weblog for new dads. Best. Daddyblog. Ever.