Wednesday, August 25

These boots are made for puking

Ugg boots may finally be on their way out. Happier words have never been typed on my keyboard. However with every ray of sunshine, comes a little rain. Or in this case a freaking deluge.

It started off with the Moon Boots which are some kind of hybrid ski and space boots. I can't believe we let our astronauts rock up to another planet dressed up like they're going to a retro rave party. As I dug further into the whole sordid affair, I discovered that, dude, like not all moon boots are really moon boots y'know? You can follow the discussion here. Marc Jacobs has even designed moonboots that cost twice the normal price and people are actually buying them because he is Marc Jacobs. They could change the name of the tv series "Everybody loves Raymond" to "Everybody loves Marc Jacobs" and nobody would mind.

Great Spirit, Maker of All Life. A warrior goes to you swift and straight as an arrow shot into the sun. Welcome him and let him take his place at the council fire of my people. He is Uncas, my son. Tell them to be patient and ask death for speed; for they are all there but one - I, Chingachgook - Last of the Mohicans.
If he was alive today, poor guy would probably die of sticker shock when he sees that these suede moccasins lined with rabbit fur cost US$242. Wearing these will bring out your hunting instinct. It's a pity there aren't any raccoons or deer to hunt in the cities but what about those pesky little dogs in designer carriers. A chihuahua or mushu cap will go well with your shoes - nobody will hear you coming as you pad softly yet stylishly down the street and make a quick getaway in your illegally parked Hummer.

Not content with pillaging Native American culture, shoe designers have decided to screw over the Inuits as well. These boots are called mukluks, derived from the sound of you choking on your hot coffee when you first see them. They're only cool because Gwyneth bloody Paltrow and Kate bloody Hudson think that unshaven rabbit balls hanging down the side of their boots are cool.

Unfortunately the makers of Ugg will not go away quietly. Realising that they cannot win in the boot department, they have just decided to make everything else in Ugg. The light I thought at the end of tunnel was an oncoming train making an express delivery of ugg handbags, ugg ponchos, ugg hoodies and ugg mini skirts. Their next project involves draping the entire North American coastline in ugg, in the style of Christo. I really hope that Hong Kong doesn't end up covered in a plethora of ugg. Once they breach the coast of Japan, our defences will be useless.


At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooh, moonboots. I remember moonboots. A long time ago on my Mother's 40th birthday (20 years, 15 days to be precise), we had all been to a pub outside Wells in Somerset and three generations of the family were falling over in the back of a VW van as we made our blotto way home.

Along the way, a certain 15 year old, um, yeah, well, a certain 15 year old, that will do, asked his grand mother - "Grandma, if we bought you moonboots would you go?".

Everyone though that was funny apart from Grandma who did not talk to me for months.

Ah the joys of a few pints of Carlsberg.

Phil (

At 5:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

$150 for a mini skirt?!?! $250 for a poncho?! And it sold out in 1 day? I am SO in the wrong business.


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