J'Abhor Dior

The fashion house of Christian Dior recently reported that sales in the second quarter of this year rose by about 20%. This is not good news because it means that head designer John Galliano can come up with just about anything (like Dior contact lenses) and people will still buy it.

Walking into a Dior boutique is always an uncomfortable experience. It's a bit like entering the home of a certified lunatic but you can't actually say out loud that he's lost the plot or laugh at the ridiculousness of it all because his black-clad attendants will hush you and frown disapprovingly. Let's take a look at some of the wildly popular Dior collections that are currently instore.

Dior Golf



This collection is for bimbos who have been forced to learn golf by their partners but are too spineless to say "awww honey, stuff your golf, I'm going shopping with Daddy's credit card instead". They've also heard that golf is a rich man's game so hanging round the golfcourse might allow them to trade up their partners for someone with more money but less life expectancy. But seriously, who wears sh*t like this? I mean, take a look at this excuse for a golf shoe. Anyone caught wearing that ought to taken out the back of the country club and whacked repeatedly with a 9-iron.

Dior Rasta



Look pon mi Dior Rasta. Lang time mi a wait. Dis cost dear but dat wicked nuh? Yeh mon, pure gal waan Dior Rasta. I don't know how you would explain rastafarianism or reggae to the average Hong Kong tai-tai. Maybe just tell them that the green represents money, gold represents their gaudy jewellery and red represents Red Bull & vodka.

Dior D'Trick



Dior D'Trick is said to be inspired by the style of screen goddess Marlene Dietrich and the name of the collection is a play on her name. It would have been less insulting to her legend if they had just defecated on her grave. Life's a bitch Marlene, then you die and fashion houses churn out crap and blame you for it.

Dior has decided to spend some of its easily-earned money on hiring Charlize Theron as the new face of the J'adore Dior fragrance. In Asia, we have to make do with Hong Kong entertainer Kelly Chen as the Dior spokesperson for the region. Kelly is a bit of a media darling because she manages to keep her weight below the magic 50kg mark. It follows that she is also a very popular choice for ads in Hong Kong - everywhere I go I find her looking out at me from billboards, tv screens or magazines with the unnerving stare of a deranged pigeon. Dior must be thinking along the same lines as me because they wrapped her in a straitjacket for this ad and ordered the surrounding models not to look at the crazy pigeon woman.