Friday, August 13

The catwalk is a lonely place

There used to be an entertaining blog called Supermodels are Lonelier than You Think but it is now on hiatus. When you think about it, being a model can get lonely because you spend all day working with people who see you as a commodity, you're paid to pout, not to talk and model agency executives only ask you to come home with them if you are a minor. Naomi might invite you to her cocaine binge & whipping gatherings but none of the guests will be in any state to remember you the next morning. It's no wonder models put up such risque personal ads.

Underneath all the glamour, a model is just like any ordinary girl seeking a bit of dance, chance and romance. In theory the genetically perfect seek each other out but in practice, supermodels often hook up with ordinary looking and even downright ugly men. One early pioneer in this respect is Paulina Porizkova, a Czech supermodel of the 1980s (also the face of Estee Lauder) who married Ric Ocasek from the rock band, the Cars. Not many people know his name so when they see his picture, they just call him the ugly guy. I am pleased to report that Paulina and Ric are still together, which is a monumental achievement in showbusiness and they have 2 children who actually look normal.

Paulina's successor at Estee Lauder, Liz Hurley, allowed herself to be impregnated by a fearsome beast called Steve Bing. Unfortunately, their son appears to have inherited all the Steve's looks, making Steve look like an idiot for demanding a paternity test. If only the baby had come out looking like Hugh Grant.

For many years, the male fantasy that is Heidi Klum was married to the very unfantastic Ric Pipino. He's a hairdresser who spends so much time caring for other people's hair that he has no time to fix his own. Heidi then moved on to Flavio Briatore whose toadishness also won over Naomi Campbell. Although Flavio is over 50 years old and it squicks me out to type this, his sperm was strong enough to result in a baby daughter for them. Heidi has since hooked up with Seal (damn you lupus for scarring the man's face) who is the first decent-looking guy in her life but her contract with Victoria's Secret does not allow her to marry him because this would "alter her image" - this way all the ugly guys can continue to think that they have a chance with her. Remember, this is a company which also regarded Heidi's post-pregnant form as "image hurting".

Brazil's greatest export Gisele Bundchen is still with Leonardo Di Caprio. You may not think that he is in the ugly camp but have you seen him lately? Jack Dawson has been rotting under the sea for a while now and as you can see the bloat has settled in quite comfortably.

All of the examples I have cited above should give hope to William Hung. It is no coincidence that William Hung looks like an Ugly Doll. He may appear unaffected by all his sexy backup dancers bumping and grinding against him during his performances (if you can call them that) but they're not in the same league as former swimsuit model Niki Taylor. As you can see, young William is quite taken with Niki and he's thinking that she's the sort of girl that you could take home to meet Mrs Hung.

However I forgot to mention that all the ugly guys who hook up with models are very rich. As in caviar guzzling-private jet-own an island rich. William is not quite there yet but this is where you can contribute by buying lots of his CDs and paying good money to watch him sing. In doing so you can help a supermodel alleviate her loneliness and an ugly guy get lucky.


At 3:31 AM, Blogger Kin said...

D'oh. I must say...that post rocked. Sparky would be proud.

At 11:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw a pic of Flavio Briatore and one of Heidi Klum or klumped up I think more approriate. ! is she mad shagging someone who looks like there face has been on fire and put out with a frying pan, over 50 yrs !! surprised his sperm is still working/moving, I heard off another comment that the dude is a slimy toad. got to be laying the moves on every supermodel he can get near. his image comes accross as a fat womenising pig. I really dislike Flavio Briatore for his salary and job that somehow he managed to worm into for renault and keep, I very much doubt this slimey toad got to the top spot for managing renault formula one team without any backhanders/bribes or slimey antics. think this dude should apply to be an MP, he fit right in :) I realise women like older men because they want a good shag/time but wont admit it, but does she not realise shagging someone twice your age, who would of been thrown in jail 20 yrs previously for shagging the same bird !!, 50 yr old gezza's make her seem like a desperate gold digger to the public and give women a bad slutty image. she is obviously quite dirty, who probably suits the porn industry more than modelling. Flavio Briatore is one ugly minger. regards, enjoy....

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