Spherical Miracles

Why have your chest sliced open and implants crammed into it when you can now use silicone inserts to go up a couple of bra sizes. Astound friends, family and colleagues with your magic pneumatic bust and keep them guessing as to what cup size you will be sporting today.

Several bra manufacturers, the most popular being Nubra, have taken these wondrous mounds one step further and developed silicone bras that you can wear with low cut backless strapless party dresses (ie just about every party dress these days). By the way if you are planning to wear one of these dresses and put your wares on display, you probably should have some wares to begin with.

We can't all be Kano sisters, but I had the misfortune of meeting someone who tried to rock this look but had no cleavage or breasts to speak of. Nope. Nada. You could land several Airbuses on her chest. Yet she continually thrust her naked sternum at me the whole night long in some kind of bizarre female equivalent of a gorilla's chest-beating display until I almost screamed out "move along now, nothing to see here!".

A Hong Kong company has even jumped on the bandwagon and released their own silicone backless strapless bra called Fanzy Bra. The Fanzy Bra's catchcry is "It's part of your body!" and the marketing keywords are colourful, soft, strapless, freedom, backless and firmly. Gotta love those stray adverbs. As the model on the website shows, the Fanzy Bra can even make you look seductive while straddling a zebra seat.

Just like McDonald's Hello Kitty toys, the Fanzy Bra comes in several different colours to suit your mood - red for slutty, purple for sexually frustrated, green for horny, yellow for "do me now!" and so on. How does this amazing display of suspension engineering work? Basically they're just silicone inserts with an adhesive backing and a clasp to join them together. After wearing them you are supposed to wash the bra and the sticky parts will regenerate so that Fanzy Bra can live to support your breasts for another day. It's an instant and relatively painless boob job except for the part where you have to peel the suckers off.

The official website has lots of useful information including the fact that the Fanzy Bra is also useful for hanging up your 2 videotapes.
According to website, the Sheer version allows ladies to "fully enjoy the tenderness that their husbands and boyfriends cannot provide", whatever that means. It also suggests that if you want to create a busty look, try positioning the bra at a higher point than your breasts. Cool, I've always wanted to walk around with 4 breasts.

Although Fanzy Bra promises total freedom of mobility, I've read on internet forums that this type of bra is not suitable for a night of clubbing because it comes loose once you bounce about too much and the adhesive loses its effect when you sweat. Furthermore, Fanzy Bra is not designed for all-day wear - if you wear it for too long, you will develop an embarrassing bra-shaped rash from the adhesive. Unfortunately Fanzy Bra doesn't last forever and is only good for about 100 wears. After that you could still use it for other non-bra purposes like storing your keys, making a nice Thai chicken curry or as a stress squeeze toy.

If you're still not sold on the Fanzy Bra, perhaps you could try one of their adhesive Nipple Patches as a "seductive last line of defence" (again their words, not mine). This is for women who want to go braless but want to avoid having men cross their path and become frozen on the spot, staring at them like a deer caught in headlights. A useful product in summer but when the weather gets cooler, you might want to think about Possum Fur Nipple Warmers.