Chop Sucky

In case you haven't noticed, Michelle Yeoh is going through some kind of mid-life crisis. This is the only reason I can think of to explain her recent eagerness to fling her dignity so violently away as if it was a minor bad guy in one of her action movies.

At Louis Vuitton's 150th anniversary party in Hong Kong in April this year, she turned up in the form of a vapid twentysomething socialite down at the Congo in search of crocodiles and anacondas she could take home with her to make into handbags. Michelle, I know that nobody had the guts to tell you otherwise in case you gave them one of your lethal roundhouse kicks but seriously, if even Beyonce can't rock the look then nobody can. A few months before that, she also appeared at the MTV Asia Awards dressed like the proprietoress of Madam Yeoh's House of Crotchless Tiger Panties and Hidden Drag Queens. Geez woman, you're supposed to kick ass, not dress like ass!

The decline must have started some time after her movie The Touch which she starred in and co-produced with her boyfriend Thomas Chung. I don't remember what the movie was about but I do know that it was over an hour of my life that I can never get back. She and Thomas decided to give it another go with Silverhawk which was released earlier this year. Just by looking at the photo below I can tell the movie sucked so hard that the entire Great Wall of China could disappear into its vortex of suckage in a nanosecond.



Ah poor Luke Goss, life was so much better when all you had to do was brood soulfully in those Bros music videos and take your top off every now and then. When will I will I be famous? Never, if you continue to star in dreck like this.

Since then Michelle has split with her producer (if indeed he is even worthy of that title) boyfriend and taken up with Ferrari boss Jean Todt. The best thing Michelle could say about her new boyfriend is that he is a very nice person. That's the sort of thing you say when you're trying to reject someone who you find totally disgusting. Ummm, you're a very nice person BUUUUUUT [insert line about how you're not ready to commit to a relationship, it's not them..it's you and anyway you think of them as a sibling]. What the incompetent newspapers didn't report was the whole of Michelle's statement which went like this:
I'm not sure if I want to become Mrs Toad, oops I mean Todt but he makes me feel really young. The age difference between us is only 16 years which is negligible by celebrity standards when I stand next him I look barely legal and that's what counts. Oh and really, he's a very nice person.

Why is all of this happening to a woman who can kick ass like nobody's business? It could be due to the dreaded Bond girl curse - after all, Teri Hatcher's face has gone into a terrifying meltdown, Denise Richards had to perpetuate the Sheen dynasty and Halle Berry, well we all know about Halle Berry. Hopefully Michelle can redeem herself in Memoirs of a Geisha. She might even get to slap Zhang Ziyi around. Any actress who does that earns my undying appreciation.