Dear Spirit Fingers

Why do I get all the tough questions? I recently received this cry for help in my inbox:

hi Ms Spirit,
why are all Brit guys bald and tattooed at the age of 30. I'm a normal
Brit, 51 yrs old NO tattoos and I have hair. Is there something wrong
with me?
Confused,
Wanchai

First of all, I'm neither British nor familiar with this place you all endearingly refer to as Mud Island so this is news to me. Do you mean to tell me that most British guys over 30 don't look like Hugh Grant, Colin Firth or Ewan McGregor? Well, that was bloody disappointing. Next thing, you'll be saying that not all British guys sound as velvety as Alan Rickman.

Back to your first question. Well I think being bald just makes it easier to put your outfit and accessories together. See, it even goes with a tambourine.

As for tattoos, they are useful because they help to identify your countrymen when you are overseas. I heard that you don't even need to carry your passport along when you travel to and fro - one of these will do. Lots of British women have tattoos as well and they're not afraid to show them off. Being bald AND tattooed creates an extra element of mystery that can be attractive to women. It's a look that asks: Could I really be one of those stereotypical racist misogynistic homophobic yobs? Why don't you get closer to me to find out?

But don't feel left out if you have never experienced any of these things. Always remember that you are unique just like everyone else. If you keep worrying about whether there's something wrong with you, then your hair will really fall out and you'll feel obliged to get a tattoo. Next thing you know you'll get banned from your local pub for wearing Burberry, and wake up in a gutter one morning with beer stains down the front of your shirt and clutching a piece of broken glass. Besides, in fashion, there is no right or wrong - just gorgeous, meh or fugly.