Interview with Gwyneth Paltrow

Academy Award winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow gives us some valuable insight into dressing for important events and generally how to become a fashion icon.

Oh, this old thing? I had originally planned to wear a gorgeous gown (I can't remember what it looked like or who it was by, but it was certainly gorgeous by all accounts) but would you believe the zip broke the minute I stepped out of the door. All of my other dresses were bought before I got pregnant so none of them could contain my POST-PREGNANCY BREASTS. Luckily, I found this in the back of my closet and it was the only thing that could fit my POST-PREGNANCY BREASTS. I don't know why the press is making such a fuss about it, it's not like I planned to show off my POST-PREGNANCY BREASTS because I am an intensely PRIVATE person.

It happens all the time, just look at Liz Hurley back when she was only known as Hugh Grant's girlfriend. Her dress ripped just as they were leaving for the Four Weddings and a Funeral premiere. Lucky for her, Gianni Versace had one gown left in his studio and it was barely held together by safety pins. Like me she had no choice, but the press blew the whole thing out of proportion. Fortunately it all ended well, with her getting an Estee Lauder contract.

Anyway my dress is by Vivienne Westwood who is an ENGLISH designer. I like ENGLISH designers because I have such an affinity for the ENGLISH culture. In fact I am the only American who understands ENGLISH culture. I also like to seek out designs created by little known talents such as designers from the little known country of SPAIN. Ever since I spent some time learning, no make that teaching, SPANISH in the town of Talavera de Reina, I've become quite popular over there. They anointed me "SPAIN's adopted daughter", cementing the fact that I am the only American who understands SPANISH culture.

Whenever I dress for a big night out, I try to take inspiration from theatrical costumes. I suppose it's because I have highly acclaimed experience in theatre, more specifically ENGLISH theatre. My style may seem to project an effortless insouciance but it's something that only I can do. After all not everyone is born speaking fluent SPANISH and with a deep understanding of the ENGLISH culture. When I was on the set of Shakespeare in Love (for which I won an OSCAR), I gave Judi some acting tips and she also won an Oscar in her supporting role, supporting me of course.

One problem about being a bona fide fashion icon is that everybody is always trying to copy my look. The other day I saw somebody wearing a little black dress and I thought to myself, I've worn that before, that's my look! When I won an OSCAR I wore pink, and even today people are still wearing pink. Back in 2002, I was the first actress go braless and to pair this look with my trademark slouch. This has spawned a whole new generation of saggy mini-Gwynnies ranging from Kirsten Dunst to Katie Holmes.

There are days when even an Upper East Side girl dresses down in non-designer clothes, and I think that slumming it once in a while helps me empathise with the commoners (as the ENGLISH call them). It's just like how sometimes I take a break from doing smaller films with artistic integrity and make low-brow commercial movies. But even then, I've always been first and foremost a movie actress and not just some tv actress. By the same token, my father wasn't just some actor on a daytime soap opera, no he made interesting and thought-provoking tv programs like St Elsewhere. Whatever. I'm totally over it.

I achieve inner style through a strict regime of macrobiotic dieting and yoga. Recently, I secretly became one of the first Americans to start practising the ancient Chinese art of cupping. However, I don't know how the media found about it because if you've read or watched my interviews with Vanity Fair, Oprah Winfrey, Diane Sawyer, you'll know that I am an extremely PRIVATE person.

If you ever hope to become a classy sophisticate like me, you need to know when to retreat gracefully from the limelight. I'm looking forward to taking time off to look after Apple, and I have already called several press conferences to make this announcement. There will also be further press conferences in the future to remind everyone that I am taking a career break. Money is not important.