Application to Armani
Ever since Giorgio Armani announced that he has been looking for a successor, I've been wanting to throw my coolie hat in the ring. I really need a career change (or a career even!) so I spent a long time crafting this cover letter to him, applying to be his heir. Fingers crossed that I make the first round!
Dear Mr Armani,
First of all I'd like to take the opportunity to say that I am a huge (not physically because I know that being thin is compulsory in the world of fashion) fan of silver-haired men with deep tans and white teeth like yourself. IMHO only George Hamilton comes close to getting it right but you sir, own the look. Now with those superficial pleasantries out of the way, can I call you Giorgio?
I may not have had much training in fashion design but that hasn't stopped people from becoming designers in the past. What I lack in formal qualifications I more than make up for in boundless enthusiasm for wealth. Prestige. The limelight. And so forth. Anyway, famous learning grounds like the Parsons School of Fashion can't be that good. Look at Nicky Hilton, she studied there and all she learnt was to design a white singlet and jeans.
I will also make the Armani building in Hong Kong more than just a handy overhead walkway in the CBD for people to hurry through on their way to meetings. Nobody ever stops and actually shops there because it is impossible to find anything remotely interesting for under HK$1000. The most it could get you is a flower stem from Armani Florist, half a sparkly bra-cup (no tassels even!) from La Perla lingerie or a 30 second hair rinse from the Kim Robinson Salon. We need to capture the public's attention with displays like models slathered in baby oil, wearing fishnets and gogo boots in bird cages. And that's just the males. The Armani Caffe would also get more popular if we turned into a karaoke bar at night. Karmanioke has a nice ring to it don't you think?
By the way, a friend of mine once bumped into Chow Yun Fat on the train. Since he starred in Replacement Killers with your good friend Mira Sorvino (whose wedding gown you designed, and might I add that it was so stunning I hardly noticed that the groom had been plucked away from his ape family in the jungle or that Mira was already knocked up), that only makes me a few degrees away from you!
I hope you don't mind constructive feedback but you currently have too many labels - Giorgio Armani, Armani Collezioni, Mani, Emporio Armani, Armani Jeans, Armani Exchange and Armani Junior. This is confusing and it would be easier for everybody to understand if we just streamlined everything into 2 main labels. Armani $$$$ and Armani $$$.
Unlike other bosses, I do not made stringent demands on the way the staff decorate their desks. It's the little things that demonstrate loyalty, like keeping a picture of me in their wallet or naming their first born after me.
It has been reported that you are planning to open god knows how many more stores in China. Well my experience will be invaluable because I know how to pry RMB from hands of the status-obssessed nouveau riche and I know where the clean (or relatively clean) toilets are.
Most importantly, I will not simply discard Armani's illustrious history and sell out to a faceless conglomerate. I want it to be mine, all mine, muahahahahah. I am available for a face to face interview in Milan at any time, so please send the private jet over at your convenience.