Wednesday, October 13

What's in a name?

When I read about the Chinese man who wanted to to call his son @ (original Chinese article is here), I thought why bother, just let the boy grow up and pick a stupid name for himself. You've all probably come across people in Hong Kong who give themselves crazy and random-sounding English names or heard about them and tut-tutted at the absurdity of it all.

Some of these people may be your friendly taxi driver, the receptionist at your office or your relationship manager at the bank. Some of them may even be celebrities who often grace magazine covers, tv and movie screens:

Dante Lam (director, producer)
I think he's shown remarkable foresight in naming himself after one of the foremost classical figures in Italian and world literature. Having sat through the Twins Effect (which he directed), I can truly attest that the experience was akin to descending into Dante's Tenth Circle of Hell.

Deep Ng (actor, singer)
Earlier this year, the tabloids had a field day over his drug "problems" when he was arrested for being in possession of 1.2 grams of cocaine. Please, 1.2 grams wouldn't even last 1.2 seconds at ANY entertainment industry party. When his septum has collapsed and his body is covered in open sores, then let me know. At first I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt over his name choice, thinking it could be a sly dig at the sensitive profound artiste persona. However I have since discovered that he released an EP titled "Deep in the Music", demonstrating that he did indeed crawl out of the shallow end of the gene pool.

Emotion Cheung (actor)
Somehow a movie featuring an actor named Emotion in its lineup doesn't inspire confidence. It's like going to see a doctor called Medication or hiring a lawyer called Negotiation. It might even make one question the actor's abilities - is he only capable of expressing one emotion? Even Brad Pitt manages to squeeze out two emotions in his movies, and he doesn't even need to because everyone only goes to see his Abs of Absolute Magnificence.

Juno Mak (actor, singer)
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be named after a powerful figure from Greek or Roman mythology. One of the all-time great movie characters, Apollo Creed, shared his name with the Greek & Roman sun god. But at least try and do some research otherwise you'll end up like Juno, naming himself after a Roman goddess. The Queen of gods and jealous hissy fits even. Or is it a subtle nod to the rock band because I doubt that his lip-synching Cantopop strains comes close to Freddie Mercury, who being the gay icon that he was, still chose to adopt the name of a Greek male deity.

Kenix Kwok (actress)
Finally, somebody who seems to have conjured up a name from nothing but thin air and contorted imagination. Perhaps we could blame her agent for suggesting it to her, the same person who also suggested that she take a role in Raped by an Angel 3: Fantasy of the Chief Executive. Kenix also sounds suspiciously like the kind of prescription medication that a popular actress could get heavily dependent on. Especially if she hates her husband so much that she recoils in abject disgust from having to kiss him on their wedding day.

Mango Wong (actress, singer)
Mango recently accused one of her co-workers who sexually harrassing on the set of a tv series they were filming together. I am in no way suggesting that she deserved it but with a name like that you're going to have to be prepared for a lifetime of sleazy men asking you in a leering tone whether you are ripe for the picking or offering to suck on your juicy pulpy flesh. And they might not even be rich or willing to make you one of their mistresses. So think about that Miss Mango before you put your succulent tropical bounty out there.

Rain Li (actress, singer) & Race Wong (actress, singer in girl group 2R)
Wow that was a close call. What are the odds that two starlets could have separately decided to throw a dictionary in the air to choose their names and have them land on almost the same page.

Sammul Chan (actor)
Can I call you Sam because that would be less embarrassing? Sam, in the Bible, Samuel was a great leader who defeated the Philistines. Sammul, not so much. Do you remember the camelherder who sold the camels to the Three Wise Men so that they could get to Bethlehem? No that wasn't Sammul. Rather, Sammul was the guy who was caught by the aforementioned camelherder in the act of giving one of his prized camels a third hump and was subsequently stoned to death. Sam, do you really want to be known as that sort of person, huh Sam?

Wancy Dai (actress, singer)
People who call themselves Wancy really irritate me. They want all the fun and capriciousness associated with being called Nancy or Wendy but none of the responsibility. The name Wancy is also one stroke away from being Wanky which says it all really.

11 Comments:

At 9:46 AM, Blogger stilt said...

and I thought all the tai tais in KL named betty, beverly, veronica, cassandra, and my personal fave, Edeeet (aka Edith - why pick a western name you can't even pronounce?) were comedy value, but this clearly puts them to shame. Note to Abdullah Ahmad Badawi - must try harder.

Raped by an Angel 3: Fantasy of the Chief Executive. GOLD. And I'm too polite to ask how you found that....

 
At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A name like "Emotion Cheung" is very Terry Pratchett. Perhaps he is a Discword fan.

Constipation Chan (aka LBYB)

 
At 12:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nicely written, this blog. Well, i guess if it's ok to have Kiwi, Apple, Cherry as names, then there's wrong with having Mango? perhaps Mango, when said in Cantonese, might sound appropriate as a name?

manonmars

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger j-a said...

Look here, I knew a girl called Circle Yuen. So really she was Circle Circle.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger j-a said...

At the Bank of China Tower there is a security guard called Snoopy.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger HKMacs said...

"Each time I see Mango,
I tense up then Bango,
Pulsations of heartfelt desire,
For your lithe and curvacious, nubile and gracious,
For your thirst could quench all my fire."

Still better than a Mucous Chan a friend of mine worked with.

 
At 2:02 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Kiwi, apple or cherry is perfectly fine if you are a showgirl with yellow feathers in your hair and a dress cut down to there...
Does this security guard even remotely look like a beagle?
We should take the business cards of all these people you have mentioned and put them on a giant wall of shame.

 
At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lime, Bloodberry and Cherry are anime characters. Real people are called Bruce and Ah Beng.

LBYB

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger Mallrat said...

There used to be a restaurant in the Hong Kong phone book called Fu Kin Delicious.

I worked with a guy in spain called Primitivo.

 
At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

a colleague called herself Unique Won....silly bitch

 
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