Harlot Kitty

2004 has been a mega-fabulous year for Hello Kitty. Not only did she celebrate her 30th birthday with much fanfare but she has also linked it to more product tie-ins than those featured in a merchandiser's wet dream. This merchandising bukkake has culminated in the launch of a massive multiplayer online game set in the Hello Kitty World. It's a surreal experience that would be further enhanced by playing it on your NEC Hello Kitty laptop (or if you are feeling crafty, your own DIY laptop).

Although I failed dismally at the Hello Kitty anniversary quiz, I came away with some interesting tidbits about her Royal Cuteness. Such as her full name is Kitty White and she comes from London, which explains her paleness. And that she has a twin sister called Mimmy who is described as shy and a bit of a homebody i.e. she is a manic-depressive who is kept locked up in the attic and fed sugar-powdered doughnuts laced with arsenic.

The licensing rules for Hello Kitty products are very strict and require that Hello Kitty maintain a clean and innocent image at all times. How little do they know...and I'm not just talking about the infamous vibrating shoulder massager or the dependable battery operated toothbrush.

Let's start with her choice of friends. Yes, the one and only Anna Nicole Smith who hasn't been lucid since the last millennium and doesn't know the meaning of "the party is over". I doubt Kitty and Anna Nicole just sit in her bedroom playing with their dolls, unless they are of the blowup variety. Isn't also weird that Hello Kitty is treated like one of the Hiltons, but she is never seen in the same photo as Paris Hilton?

Moving on to her lovelife, you could say that Hello Kitty has been around the block on her pink cruiser bike. In 1999, she and Dear Daniel, a fashionable New York trained hip-hop dancer (the Federline to Hello Kitty's Britney) embarked on very publicity friendly long-term relationship. There were several sham weddings but ultimately the pair did not make it to the altar because "work commitments" kept them apart. That and the eventual certainty of Dear Daniel awakening his latent homosexuality.

Currently Tippy the bear has a major crush on Hello Kitty which she is fully aware of and plays on to get help with her homework and other household chores that requires heavy lifting. The words bear-tease come to mind. Does Tippy know about Rory the squirrel who taught Hello Kitty "the secrets of the forest" and Joey the jock who is Hello Kitty's best friend but also happens to be the most popular guy in school?

Let's not forget about her torrid fling (in her words, she wanted to get "Americanized") with Julius the Paul Frank monkey just because she liked the way he made her smile. And because she has no mouth, where else would he be making her smile? It's no secret what they get up to at Paul Frank parties.

Sanrio, stop trying to force your aging sex-kitten down our throats under the guise of innocence and purity. She's Harlot Kitty and you know it.