Wednesday, January 5

Three bad haircuts

I've asked Simon (Godfather of the HK blogging world) if he will organise a meet in the foreseeable future. I might turn up because I'm secretly panicking that I don't know enough people whose knowledge I can feed off.

You see, none of my HK friends read anything except the horse racing guide or those Chinese weeklies with the bikini models on the cover. Usually the model has her tongue implanted in a cone of vanilla ice cream and by page 27 the vanilla ice cream has formed leaky whitish streaks all over her mouth and neck while she splays her legs awkwardly in a bathtub. Are her motor skills not developed enough to tackle ice cream without making a mess? This is why as a child, my mum always made me eat ice cream over the sink with my hair tied back.

From what I gather, the HK bloggers are really knowledgeable about politics, sports and music. I don't know anything of substance except where to find pics of Natalie Portman wearing nothing but a thong (American meaning). We'd form an unbeatable trivia team and we would call ourselves "All skank, all the time".

The meet can't happen too soon though because of my hair needs time to recuperate. Can you believe I've had 3 bad haircuts in a row. That's more than 100 bad hair days and counting! Dear God Who Just Stepped Out of a Salon, why hast thou foresaken me?
I would post pictures but then everyone would think "What the sh*t is that? Ugh, we couldn't even pass you off as exotic looking" and stop visiting. To help you avoid bad haircuts in Hong Kong, I've posted reviews of my past 3 hairdressers' performance.

Eric of Triple Edge
Eric is scared of scissors and of human hair. He moved timidly and hid behind me most of the time, pretending he was trimming a hedge instead. No wonder the outcome was so boxy. So in my recent holiday snaps, you see the picturesque River Arno and then a black bakelite telephone looming up from the side, but it's really just my head.

Matthew of Headquarters
Matthew has really bad hair and I suspect he can only see in 2-D instead of 3-D. He tried to put some layers in but he must have cut against the grain or something. My hair collapsed into a clumpy choppy mass. If I were to light up a cigarette, from afar you'd think there were smoke signals emanating from a crushed teepee.

Anthony of Il Colpo
Anthony works like Edward Scissorhands on Red Bull with some crushed Vicodin mixed in. He keeps muttering about making it beautiful except his standards of beauty are different to mine. I told Anthony that having the hairstyle of a LEGO figure based on Liza Minelli wasn't beautiful. He didn't listen so now I look like a twelve year old boy with chest and hips to match. The upside is that I have less chance of being groped in a packed train carriage.

All you avant garde salons with your "creative artistic stylistic teams", you can keep your menus with ten kinds of coffee, your Wallpaper* magazines, your personal mini-tv screens (no actually leave that) and little handbag lockers. Give me a hair stylist who will make me walk out of the salon laughing. With my head thrown back and bouncy hair glinting attractively in the sunlight.

Please post your worst haircuts in the comments section. That is a command, not a request.

Blog of the day: Whispering Loudly is nominated as best West Australian blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.


At 6:24 AM, Blogger theswanker said...

Um, about those Natalie Portman pics....

At 9:48 AM, Blogger stilt said...

SF - I thought you would have learnt by now to stop switching salons like a hussy. The only way to get a decent haircut is to find a great hairdresser, and stick with them. I've had to leave it for months at a time to get back to Sydney for a haircut when travelling. Sure, you might look a little scruffy/loutish/bad towards the end of the time, but at least you're not going to through the misery described above.

That said, on one occasion I did get desperate, and let the girls at the hairdressers in the Rainbow Club in KL have a hack at my hair (BTW for those of you unfamiliar with the region, the rainbow club is a sports club, not a gentlemens club. Or whatever other euphemism you care to use). I'm not sure they'd cut many, or any, gweilo heads before, and were seriously puzzled as to how to approach my curly hair. I only realised this when I thought it was taking them an awefully long time to wash and prep my hair. After a few minutes I worked out they were trying to straighten my hair out with flat irons, water and product, before they cut it. Now I'm not sure if you can all picture this, but cutting hair like this really won't give the cutter much of an idea as to how the cuttee will look, post-cutting. Probably the best picture I can paint for you is that of a treasured old teddy bear that's been through a particularly vicious washer and clothes dryer, after the cat has played with it.

Despite my hatred of being mistaken for an american, I wore a baseball cap for a month till I could get home to matthew and get a decent haircut.

At 11:02 AM, Blogger Kate said...

Damn, if you have a get together thingy, wait for me!!!!!

My worst ever haircut was not a haircut, but a perm. I wanted to try something different with my hair when I was in middle school. The thing made me end up looking like someone\'s adolescent grandma (and I was wearing horrid glasses at the time too). I looked in the mirror, I was thisclose to crying, when my mom told me \"Oh you look so cute.\"

Then I lost it completely.

I have never had a perm since!

At 11:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was a fat kid (now I am an older fat kid) I had a perm too. Fat kid + perm --> NOT good. Looked like an afro.


At 11:49 AM, Blogger Henry said...

according to my sources, rick is the one you want to do your barnet at il colpo.

worst haircut I ever had?...every one up to the age when I started paying for my own haircuts!

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My hair stylist was a very gay San Franciscan, so I figured because he was gay, that he'd have an AWESOME sense of style.

"DO WHAT YOU WILL!" I yelled out, all happy like.

He fucking gave me a mullet and I died a little bit inside.


At 12:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The worst haircut I ever got was the perm/cut right before my wedding. I looked like George Washington with breasts. I ended up pulling and clipping it all as far back as I could and loading up on the mascara a la Tammy Faye. Thank God for white tulle and champagne.

At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

frank-fur-greville st melbourne. he is a god of hair

and congratulations on being nominated for the aussi blog awards for best overseas blog :o)


At 12:18 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I am loving all these stories. I have found my people!!

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Ms Hairy Legs said...

My parents wouldn't let me take the wrapper completely off an ice cream - I had to just push it down to let it catch the drips. They also made me drink coke diluted with MILK because by their logic the sugar and acid in coke would get balanced out by all the calciumy goodness of milk. Freaks.

I really feel for you on the bad hair front. The longest I had to go with bad hair was about 83 days. Even worse, I got the cut (it was done by this woman who couldn't speak english; yes it was cheap (she charged $17), but I hadn't started working yet and couldn't afford a good hairdresser. Don't judge me!) about a week before my graduation ceremony. With the mortar board on, I looked BALD; I looked like one of those voo-dooy shrunken heads!

AND, my dad, on the eve of said ceremony suggested: "You should by a wig, here's my credit card."

To which my mother added: "Yes, and I'll drive you."

At 7:37 PM, Blogger mikey said...

When I was 12, I got the undercut from hell. The shaved part was lopsided and the long part was also lopsided. It looked like a dodgy home job that a drunk 12 year old would give someone, but it was courtesey of a Jon Le Court salon. Worst. Haircut. Ever.

At 7:40 PM, Blogger surtr said...

poor ms hairy legs!

I went to a Jap girl who cut my hair from one of those ultra-cool catalogues with a billion Jap boys randomly culled on Tokyo streets. SHE had the coolest hair.

unfortunately, this didn't compensate for making me look like Kim Jong Il's lesbian sister. first they rape my ancestors' homeland, then they rape MY HAIR.

I nearly started hyperventilating when I discovered my hairdresser was leaving the country with his boyfriend, and not only because I wank to his image. who's gonna cut my pube-y sidies NOW? ANSWER ME!!

At 12:22 AM, Blogger Glutterbug said...

Hey SF.

I just read the whole blood trail of abuse and you quitting the Hong Kong catergory of Asian blog awards because of supposedly "Supporter" of certain blogs said you are not worthy or whatever it is. I am so sorry to hear that. As I also quit the Asian Blog awards last year for the very same reason. People came and abused the crap out of me and I had enough.

To be honest, I don't really think it's the people who read my or ESNW blog that wrote those letters. I am pretty convinced its' the same people who abused me that did that to you. My readers were so utterly supportive of me during that time, I can't imagine them doing that to someone else.

It gets ugly over on your side of the internet. Last year Conrad posted a photo of me on his blog and called it "Cat nipples" and then posted into sex searches. I don't even know what was said, as I was made a promises to a whole load of people that I would never look at it coz it what was going on was so abusive. Which is why i am not linked to most of the HK/China blogs as I was asked to be removed.

I am sorry. I am going to write something about this on my blog, as if it is my readers, they should know how i feel about it.


Hope things are well.


PS. I don't think you are being a drama queen. It's painful and hurtful when you get that type of emails. i know. been there.

At 4:45 PM, Blogger Elks said...

I had bowl haircuts till the age of 7, when my mother's friend (a garage based hairdresser) gave me the queen poodle of all perms. And then there was the long front short back I got whilst living in Korea (I still don't think I'm quite ugly enough to warrant hiding my face behind whispy curtains of hair...).

Then I discovered two Melbourne hairdressers who make me want to weep tears of happiness whenever I walk out of their salons. With a new haircut, of course.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger Mallrat said...

wow, what happened? can i read this thread? what fuckers! you have a great blog.

Elkie, you've seen my mullett. and you want to share a house with me?

go figure...

have found a guy who knows what he's doing - RIOT in chapel street, windsor. forgot his name. before him, i got this fuckwit at williams off flinders lane (actually, the eponymous william) who took a razor to my hair (you don't do that shit=- it looks good on people with thin hair, but not people with hair that can too quickly turn into a toilet brush- like mine). i had a mullet for three fuckign months and htere was noithing i could do about it except wait for it to grow out.

At 2:22 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Ah geez, all these stories are making me misty-eyed from laughing so hard that tears are appearing. I hate the hairdressers that go nuts with the razor. I bet they did their apprenticeship in a women's prison.

At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im a hairdresser, i love it when i fuck up cuts.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Feng Guo said...

Not so bad. You can try a new fashion.

At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well I went to have my cut at Philip George,The way he worked my hair, I had never seen or felt anything as fantastic in my entire 19 years of pleasure seeking. I describe it as "like having a two-hour orgasm." The next morning I awoke feeling refreshed and glowing -- and transformed.

At 11:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay....So the month of December has been soOo hecktick for me both of my kids were in andout of the hospital all month, and our refrigerator broke one week before Christmas.....So inbetween all the MADNESS I thought I'd go fo a hair cut and forget about everything for at least an hour!!
Well at least I thought I would forget about my troubles when really they were just beginning : O
So I go to MALCOLM'S ....Jen the MANAGER of this location takes care of me.. I say "All I need is about a half inch taken off," So she washes, combs, TRIMS, and blowdries my hair all in a matter of 13 minutes....Also she's not much of a conversationalist, which made me feel kinda uncomfortable!!!
Well when I got home and really looked at my hair it wasn't a trim she cut jagged edges in my I call maybe two days later and tell them I wasn't happy so the woman on the phone said your next cut will be free!!
I was pleased w/ about two weeks later I went back it was about 4:00pm A stylist named ANDREA emidiatly called me back... I said to ANDREA "leave the length add some layers" well about 5:00pm closing time ANDREA askes two of her co-workers over to help her fix the damage she had done to my hair....One of them wanted nothing to do w/the mess and the other tried to do what she can...
SCARRY, that this girl has her license since 2003 well thats what she said lets keep in mind..while the other stylist cut my hair ANDREA stood behind me and kept saying "OHH my stomach, Im soOo NERVOUS......ohh my stomach"
Well this time I call the corporate office and they put me in touch w/Susane the GENERAL MANAGER.."MALCOLM'S eyes and ears" so she said!!!
anyway I make an appointment w/her to assess the damages..she said "well I can try to cut it to evan it out" so I said "NOONE is CUTTING my hair anymore" so she said "the only other thing I can do is add a couple of extentions to fill in the bald spots" So there sits a girl who had a full head of extentions, and they looked I said to SUSANE "YOU can put extentions throughout my whole head"..she said no problem she matched the color of my hair and said "I'll color the hair pieces and we can put them in on the 1st of January, at 10am...
So I get the extentions put in and about a day to two days later my extentions are now longer LIGHT BROWN but there BLOND w/a tint of greenemphazing the JOE DIRT HAIR CUT that ANDREA had givin me.....
I got all this trying to releave STRESS!!!!

So anyway I go BACK to MALCOLM's today looking for SUSANE and she's nowhere to be found, so she finally calls my phone leaves a message, I call her back and say "I want my money back and I'm going somewhere else to have it fixed and MALCOLM should pay for it" I think thats resonable for the damage that they caused me...well SUSANE says your not getting your money back and were not paying for the damages, then this is the KICKER....she HANGES UP ON ME, I call her back and she dosen't answer!!!!
If anyone feels for me keep this bulleti alve, and TRUST ME DON'T GO TO MALCOLM'S......................
Keep passing this on<3333333333333

At 8:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A cautionary tale: I went to The Hairdressers salon in Soho to have my hair cut short because they purport to work on all types of hair. I wanted a short natural style that could be successfully accomplished by the most junior of stylists as it simply involves the use of clippers. Well, Trang, an alleged experienced stylist, ended up shaving a 3x5 inch strip of hair completely off!! To make matters worse, one of their other crack stylists suggested that they make a "pattern" in my head, I guess a la Dennis Rodman or some NFL players. Instead of doing what they could to rectify this unconscionable and egregious act of negligence, the salon owners have offered me the pleasure of additional "services" from them - I guess they can take a stab at shaving another landing strip on the other side of my head -- and two cheap, ill-fitting wigs from Kowloon. Patronize this salon at your peril.

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