Workplace conversations

The powerful subtext of superficial fashion chitchat with a not so close colleague

Hey your hair looks different today. Did you cut it?
Hey your hair looks different today. This is very obvious to me because when I bumped into you yesterday, your usual dark eyed, inquisitive expression did not remind me of a Bichon Frise. But I'm not judging you by any means, that's something best left to the experts like the Crufts judging panel.

Is that a picture of your son/daughter? Cute kid!
Is that a picture of your son/daughter? They look nothing like you. Well conceived!

You always wear such pretty stuff.
Please, I beg you. Stop dressing like your mental age.

That colour really suits you.
That colour should only really be worn by a modern day court jester, or failing that, a Eurovision contestant. Which when you think about both things, mean entirely the same thing.

Are those new shoes?
I can tell that those are new shoes because I can see the blood seeping out from between your toes and there doesn't appear to be any skin left in your heel section. Ouch, your workday must be like an extended DVD version of The Passion of the Christ.

Wow, you're engaged! What a whopper of a diamond!
There, I have said these words that you so desperately wanted to hear. Now please let me get back to work. I cannot see the computer screen because your hand is still splayed across it. Furthermore your dirty yellow fisheye diamond seems to be sucking the life out of the fluorescent lighting in this office.

All dressed up today. Do you have a special occasion to go to after work?
Will you be going to your second job this evening, the one at the Panty Pantry nightclub where the patrons know you as Misty? Please don't stand so close to me. People might think I'm trying to solicit you.

That look is very popular right now.
Well, well, well. Another one with the ugg boots and a poncho. Excuse me while I throw up in my coffee mug.

Have you been busy? You look quite tired today.
Bitch. I hate you. How is it that you still look so fabulous at the end of a long day?