Britney Beads

Always on the lookout for scapegoats, the Roman Catholic Church has blamed celebrities like David Beckham and Britney Spears for starting the trend of wearing rosary beads as a fashion statement. What they don't know is that David Beckham actually needs to wear 4 sets of rosary beads in order to stave off the soul-sucking ghoul beside him. As much as I think that Victoria generally has great style, grinning like that is enough to make John Woo to exclaim "At last, I have found my Skeletor".

As for Britney, she needs all the help she can get from any religion available. The full Rosary is made up of 4 sets of 5 "mysteries", each mystery representing significant episodes in the lives of Jesus and Mary (the Bold and the Beautiful respectively). Seeing that she was once a virgin like Mary, Britney has decided to devise her own mysteries based on the trials and tribulations of her own life, which she then uses in her personal meditations and prayers during her acne spa visits. In sharing these mysteries with us, she hopes that others will become followers of the Ex-Virgin Blessed Stepmother Britney.

JOYFUL MYSTERIES
The Annunciation of Baby One More Time
The Visitation of the Virgin Britney to Rolling Stone
The Naivety of the Britney
The Implantation
The Finding of the Boyfriend in the Timberlake

LUMINOUS MYSTERIES
The Bimboism of Britney in the Shops of LA
The Sign at the 24 Hour Wedding of Vegas
The Preaching of the American Dream
The Transmogrification
The Prostitution of the Same Sex Kiss

SORROWFUL MYSTERIES
The Acne in the Garden
The Scourging at the Box Office
The Clowning with Python
The Carrying of the Crutch
The Cameltoe

GLORIOUS MYSTERIES
The Resurrection of the Prenuptial
The Ascension of the ebay Bids
The Descent of the Holy Milkshake
The Consumption of the Kava
The Coronation of Britney as Queen of All Things Classy