Thursday, October 14

Try before you buy

Today's post is for all the ladies out there who relish the rollercoaster of serial dating and know the dating circuit like the back of of their French manicured hands. You know who you are, with your voicemails constantly jammed with offers for coffee, drinks, dinner and what comes afterwards. Right now, you're probably planning a knockout ensemble for Friday night so that you can look relentlessly gorgeous in a just rolled out of bed and threw it together at the last minute way when you step out on the town with a shiny new man and even shinier lip gloss.

A large portion of society may smile politely in front of you and call you a slut behind your back but these are the same people who would praise you as a stud and call for high-fives all round if you were a guy. So yeah, more power to you, you go girlfriend and raspberry martinis all round.

Justdumped
Men can't get enough of women with disturbing neuroses, particularly those with a severe case of self-loathing that tends to develop after a series of broken relationships, each more emotionally draining than the previous one. Justdumped.com lets you display these neuroses for the world to see and appreciate. Wearing one of the following tee-shirts is bound to get someone to buy you a drink:
01. emotionally unavailable men rock.
09. ignore me and i'm yours.
13. i date down.

Dating Diary
With The Him Book you can keep a record of your men that is more detailed and interesting than "Dear Diary, I met someone today and he's just dreamy". Normally a blog would do for this sort of thing but the Him Book makes a nice keepsake which can be dragged out to show the grandkids. Watch their eyes grow wide in awe as you regale them with stories about your relationship misadventures. Like the time, the love of your life broke up with you because he needed some space, so in a revenge-filled haze you had loud, angry intercourse with his unattractive flatmate. On the bed of your ex. While your ex was watching tv in the living room.

Vagiseal
Not every date has to end with the cold, stark reality that is the morning after. One night stands are bad simply because you have to end up borrowing cab fare from a guy who you will never have a chance to repay as you have no intention of ever contacting him again. But sometimes no matter how hard you try, those panties just won't stay on, and those legs just won't stay closed! Vagiseal is a way for you to remain an alluring but impenetrable fortress (there is no nudity in the ad, so it's safe for work). OK so it's not actually a product that's on the shelves yet but give it time and it will be. Definitely before they find a cure for cancer.

Pherlure
Don't despair, I haven't forgotten about all the single men who haven't been able to get a date despite their best efforts. I'm on your side too! I know how hard it's been for you to carefully cultivate that handlebar moustache. I can sympathise with the struggle of getting your mum to move out into the spare bedroom. Yet you still nowhere near as popular as Gunther and any number that you manage to get inevitably leads to the Rejection Hotline. It's not fair, is it!

Guys, listen closely to what I'm about to tell you. The secret is in the SCENT. Women can smell fear, wealth but most of all they can smell SEXINESS. The raw magnetism that has eluded you for so long can easily be attained through the extra dose of pheromones provided by Pherlure. Remember though, that the powerful chemical signals extend all the way through the animal kingdom. If on the way to the club, in your newfound sexiness, you cross paths with a vicious rottweiler and she decides that she wants you to be her babydaddy, then at least you know you're on the right track.

5 Comments:

At 6:00 AM, Blogger Jeff said...

But what happens if a homo wears Pherlure? Will he have to fight off fag hags? Bitchy queens? If he's looking for rough trade should he wear Pherlure for Ladies to attract that construction worker who'll break his nose after a quick blow?

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Deleted my own post above because the URL was incomplete.

As I was saying, to avoid such fag-haggery and violent homophobic reactions, they wear Gay Attractants instead (Robust for men, Sappho for women).
http://www.gayattractants.com

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger j-a said...

despite your assurances of no nudity, my workplace network does not allow me access to the vagiseal site. i can only speculate what the thing is about...drat.

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Dating is a major stress. NY dating (straight or gay) pretty much consists of 'I like you , but if I meet someone better, goodbye'. I think I'm too traumatized to date after my ex. Sigh

 

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