Monday, November 22

Looking for Pirelli

I've found something worthwhile to add to my list of calendar recommendations, something that's possibly even hotter than the 2005 Pirelli Calendar. Born out of the notorious Italian calendar wars that take place every November, feast your eyes on the Hot Priest calendar! By hot, of course I mean aesthetically pleasing, not burning brimstone and sulphur hot. But was it not written somewhere in the fine print of the Holy Bible that thou shall not covet thy priest's ass? So go and say 3 Hail Marys to absolve yourself from those sinful missionary thoughts.

Back on the Pirelli calendar, the chances of an ordinary person acquiring one are about as non-existent as the chances of this child growing up to be a well-adjusted human being but don't be discouraged. One can improve one's chances dramatically by trying the following methods:

1. Marry into the English royal family as they receive 6 each year. Even then it could still be difficult because I'm fairly certain that 1 is reserved for Prince Phillip, 1 for Prince William and 4 for Prince Harry.
2. Become a very influential figure in motorsports, but if you were you would have slept with all the models in the calendar so it has just about as much value as being given a calendar featuring photos of your favourite meals.
3. Buy one on Ebay for several thousand dollars. Be wary of fakes masquerading as originals. Patrick Demarchelier is a world-renowned photographer who shoots in settings like the pristine beaches of Rio Di Janeiro. He does not take photos of the town hussy in the basement in front of a wall-length poster of the beach and photoshop a supermodel's head on her body afterwards.
4. Forget about Santa, write to Bill Gates (don't e-mail) asking for one. He is on the exclusive recipient's list but somebody who is interested in paying Sting 276,000 pounds for a private performance probably wouldn't mind parting with his Pirelli calendar.
5. Good news, Naomi Campbell is featured on the calendar. Apply to become her assistant, let her viciously abuse you for a bit, then sue her for damages in the way of a Pirelli calendar.


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