Thursday, January 6

Hot Careers 2005

I heard on the grapevine that babies are expensive. Even the ones that aren't bought by Hollywood actresses. Those drugs (the ones referred to in GIVE ME THE DRUGS NOW!!!!) cost money. So does food, clothes, childcare and an education at a school where gang fights break out only once a semester. What's more, a baby might need toys. A rag on a stick might not be enough. And this could go on for many years.

I'd appreciate any parents' views on this. Do girls cost more than boys? Does having multiple children lead to economies of scale? Is there enough room in the house for a high-maintenance wife and a baby - will one have to go? I'm not pregnant, just wondering how much a baby would cost on a per pound basis in its first year. Would it be more expensive than say, white beluga caviar?

Since these babies seem to be squeezing every last drop of household finances with their chubby little fists, we might as well make them earn their keep. Don't wait until they're in the teens because their cuteness may have been squandered away by that time. Wasn't it written somewhere in the Bible (or perhaps it was the internet) that the cute as a species do not age well?

If your baby happens to get at least one "awwww so cute" a day from a non-creepy stranger, have you ever considered that Your Baby Can Be a Successful Model Almost Overnight. It Won't Happen Overnight But It Will Happen! Yes Your Baby Can Earn Money Doing Something So Exciting That Every Word Starts With A Capital Letter.

Your friends and your relatives will be talking about the successful model in your family, the grandparents will be bragging to all their friends, and you'll have this unexplainable urge to just hang around where the magazines are being sold waiting for your baby to be recognized.

Exactly how to quickly and easily determine if your baby has what it takes with only a few minutes worth of work and for less than a coffee at Starbucks.

Discover the two mistakes that parents make that cripple their baby's chances of being awarded the modeling job. Follow the simple blueprint on page 33 to avoid these costly pitfalls.

A simple technique to help your child when he or she wants to model, but clings to you when you get there and doesn't want to let go (page 75).

I predict that babymodelling will be one of the hot careers of 2005, along with professional namedropping. I can't wait for the next reality show America's Next Top Baby Model.

Tyra: Why do you want to be America's Next Top Baby Model?
Baby: *gurgle*
Tyra: Show us what J Alexander taught you in Crawling in Heels 101
Baby: *crawl* *crawl*
J. Alexander: You crawl like you have chewing gum between your pudgy legs. And I like it.
Tyra: Let's look at your best shot.
Nole Marin: I think you have more expression in your ultrasound pictures.
Baby: *waaaah*
Janice Dickinson: If you don't like criticism, you should think about being in another line of work. Besides, you know how I feel about big babies in couture.
Baby: *burrrrp*

Are you sold yet? Your baby could be making you thousands instead of lying there in its crib earning zero returns. Get it in front of cameras and soon you'll be rolling so much money you could make wallets out of the money you're rolling in. So hop to it. Those babies don't find paid employment themselves (but wouldn't it be good if they did).

Blog of the day: is nominated as Best Overall Australian Blog, Best NSW Blog, Best Humourous Australia Blog & Best Australian Personal Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.


At 6:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"WHY can I only post anonymously?", says Rob. He goes on to state: "You fool! More than one child leads to an EXPONENTIAL CURVE! 'Economies of scale.' Don't make me laugh." (exits weeping quietly into his wallet.)

At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are some economies of scale, but it is more like, once you have a baby, you lose everything you ever valued or strove to achieve, so having 10 isn't that much different from having 1.
Hope this helps!

At 8:43 AM, Blogger Kate said...

Mwa ha ha ha. Just like one day there probably will be a Truman Show type thing on TV and a Running Man type thing on TV, baby modeling too will probably make it on TV one day.

At 9:15 AM, Blogger Mec said...


my nephew would have made a great model... and we could really use the extra money to buy him his own house, as he's cluttering ours with all his toys...

no child should be getting so many toys, i swear! :)

At 4:16 AM, Blogger Ms Hairy Legs said...

Damn, we should have thought to exploit my little brother between the ages of 6mths and 7 years. A fortune forsaken!

I suppose you could minimise costs with subsequent babies through the old hand-me-down clothing system and if you could stomach dealing with reusable cloth nappies. But these days the cost of raising a child might not end until it's 25 or more, so be sure to wear lots of condoms and get all thr rights tubes tied.

At 11:15 AM, Blogger Jellyfish said...

I Was A Child Model: A Jellfish's Tale. I was one of those kids who are so ugly they're cute. It was rather embarrasing but paid for several trips around Europe when I was a teenager.

At 4:43 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Ooh tell us more Jellyfish. Spill the secrets of the child modelling world. What were you in - Studio Bambini?

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Baby/child modelling isn't it just parents pimpin' off their children?


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