Hot Careers 2005

I heard on the grapevine that babies are expensive. Even the ones that aren't bought by Hollywood actresses. Those drugs (the ones referred to in GIVE ME THE DRUGS NOW!!!!) cost money. So does food, clothes, childcare and an education at a school where gang fights break out only once a semester. What's more, a baby might need toys. A rag on a stick might not be enough. And this could go on for many years.

I'd appreciate any parents' views on this. Do girls cost more than boys? Does having multiple children lead to economies of scale? Is there enough room in the house for a high-maintenance wife and a baby - will one have to go? I'm not pregnant, just wondering how much a baby would cost on a per pound basis in its first year. Would it be more expensive than say, white beluga caviar?

Since these babies seem to be squeezing every last drop of household finances with their chubby little fists, we might as well make them earn their keep. Don't wait until they're in the teens because their cuteness may have been squandered away by that time. Wasn't it written somewhere in the Bible (or perhaps it was the internet) that the cute as a species do not age well?

If your baby happens to get at least one "awwww so cute" a day from a non-creepy stranger, have you ever considered that Your Baby Can Be a Successful Model Almost Overnight. It Won't Happen Overnight But It Will Happen! Yes Your Baby Can Earn Money Doing Something So Exciting That Every Word Starts With A Capital Letter.

Your friends and your relatives will be talking about the successful model in your family, the grandparents will be bragging to all their friends, and you'll have this unexplainable urge to just hang around where the magazines are being sold waiting for your baby to be recognized.

Exactly how to quickly and easily determine if your baby has what it takes with only a few minutes worth of work and for less than a coffee at Starbucks.

Discover the two mistakes that parents make that cripple their baby's chances of being awarded the modeling job. Follow the simple blueprint on page 33 to avoid these costly pitfalls.

A simple technique to help your child when he or she wants to model, but clings to you when you get there and doesn't want to let go (page 75).

I predict that babymodelling will be one of the hot careers of 2005, along with professional namedropping. I can't wait for the next reality show America's Next Top Baby Model.

Tyra: Why do you want to be America's Next Top Baby Model?
Baby: *gurgle*
Tyra: Show us what J Alexander taught you in Crawling in Heels 101
Baby: *crawl* *crawl*
J. Alexander: You crawl like you have chewing gum between your pudgy legs. And I like it.
Tyra: Let's look at your best shot.
Nole Marin: I think you have more expression in your ultrasound pictures.
Baby: *waaaah*
Janice Dickinson: If you don't like criticism, you should think about being in another line of work. Besides, you know how I feel about big babies in couture.
Baby: *burrrrp*

Are you sold yet? Your baby could be making you thousands instead of lying there in its crib earning zero returns. Get it in front of cameras and soon you'll be rolling so much money you could make wallets out of the money you're rolling in. So hop to it. Those babies don't find paid employment themselves (but wouldn't it be good if they did).

Blog of the day: Darpism.com is nominated as Best Overall Australian Blog, Best NSW Blog, Best Humourous Australia Blog & Best Australian Personal Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.