Tuesday, May 3

For Hire

Renting used to have a kind of financial stigma attached to it. It was what you did when you needed something that would last a long time but couldn't afford to buy it outright - like a home, a tuxedo or a sex partner. But not anymore. Cashed up individuals living a technomadic rootless lifestyle have become big fans of renting. Many things are now available for rent, which even though you didn't need, would make you want to create a need for them.

Rent my Son & Rent my Daughter
With Mother's Day coming up, Dad could use some spare cash to splurge on something that says "Thanks for letting me knock you up" in a fancy way. What better way to do this by renting out the fruit of your loins.

Child-rental services enable parents to generate income from their little cash calves AND enjoy the peace & quiet of reclaiming the house while the children are out at work. It's like killing a flock of birds flying in a regular V-formation all at once!

Rental children should be prepared to hang out with other children, attend parties, social events and prom dates (corsages and alcohol are complimentary). Therefore it does help to have a decent-looking children in order to command market rate. You can see how from the Rent My Daughter graphic header that toned midriffs are highly prized. Personality, lack of criminal record, bladder control, all these things are also important.

ChildNet Services ensures that potential clients are carefully screened to eliminate anybody who is overly white, overly plastic or who can do the moonwalk. While it's still early days yet, the success of the agency could lead to further spinoffs which specialise in renting out other useful relatives:
Rent my meddlesome spinster aunt
Rent my snooty in-laws
Rent my bigoted sexist racist homophobic uncle
Rent my fiancee who is prone to getting cold feet
Rent my really hot first cousin (who I'd already hooked up with if we were hillbillies)

Rent a German
The new Pope has renewed interest in the Germans themselves. There hasn't been a German who generated so much internet traffic since Heidi Klum in her Sports Illustrated heyday. Lots of people are now putting "hang out with a German" on their list of things to do before they die. Renting a German allows them to do this without having to commit to a fullblown friendship.

People want to peel back the stereotypes of bureaucracy, stoic humour and lederhosen. And when they do, they are pleasantly surprised, by the sound of these testimonials:
I was gobsmacked when the German even cleaned my house the next day, before I was awake! Will definitely rent again

I’ll definitely do it again- It was, like, “oh my god, this is so it!”

I was gobsmacked when the German even cleaned my house the next day, before I was awake! Will definitely rent again.

we read German poems together ‘til 3 am. Even Grandma stayed up and enjoyed the exotic sound of words like "Rasenmäher, Motorsäge or Solidargemeinschaft".

The agency must be doing brisk Teutonic trade because it is actively seeking referrals. Submit your own German and get instant cash! There are prices listed on the website, which gives you an idea of just how valuable Germans are.

However there seems to be a baffling price discrepancy between the packages. Why pay 1200 EUR for a short talk during a coffee break when you can get one for 750 EUR to give you happy moments "in the nature, at the hotel bar or in the night dancing"? I know which one I want already.


At 9:17 AM, Blogger prettynyc said...

You are brilliantly funny. How do you find these links? Tonight they made me queasy, though.

At 1:22 PM, Anonymous i8toomuch said...

Happened to chance by your blog. I love your sense of humour. Certainly kept me laughing during the boring lunch hour. :)

At 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I aint gonna rent a German. I need a girlfriend



At 5:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not really sure about Jabba the German Hutt but this fellow is pretty cute. Mmmm... I wouldn't mind renting HIM to give me "happy moments"... --Maria


At 10:13 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

prettynyc, there are many weird link repositories on the net, such as boing boing. Good stuff!


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