Friday, April 29

New appointments and promotions

Memo from Human Resources to all Employees

As you may well be aware, our office has recently completed its annual management review. In an effort to improve the quality of our service, we have decided on a number of internal changes to the team structure. Effective from May 1 the following appointments and promotions will take effect:

Mary has been promoted to stationery cupboard monitor. This is a newly created role which will use Mary's inventorial and snooping abilities to greater effect and ensure that stationery is used on an AS NEEDED basis. Mary will be circulating an email shortly setting out appropriate usage levels.

In addition to his regular duties, Tim will also be overseeing pantry disputes. He is your first port of call in situations where personal items have gone missing from the refrigerator or shelves.

After attending a one day first aid training course Bill will now hold the key to the first aid and medicine cupboard. Bill has unfettered power to give routine physical examinations to any female employee before releasing the key to her.

Carol will transfer in from the 7th floor to head the team of Office Gossips. Carol was previously Senior Manager specialising in rumour mongering and brings a wealth of knowledge and contacts with her.

Kevin has been appointed Junk Mail Sender. His primary area of responsibility is sending out officewide emails on the following topics:
pest control, air-conditioning, lift maintenance, baby announcements, movie tickets to give away, fire drills and charity chocolates for sale

Joanne has slept with almost everybody on the floor. Her role will largely remain the same. However she will move from her cubicle to the corner office with a view where it is hoped she will capitalise on her performance at last year's Christmas party.

Our Farewells division has been boosted with the internal promotion of Greg as division manager, following Steve's departure. Greg will be assisted by Amy who is a recent college graduate. Together they will share the responsibilities of organising appropriately bland farewell cards and gifts for departing employees.

These changes reflect our commitment to building a top-quality organisation. We congratulate these valued employees for their achievements and look forward to their future contributions. Please join them in gloating over their newfound powers.


At 2:44 AM, Blogger Jon said...

Ugh, office antics sure get old fast. I'm thankful my office is small and that we all get along, can wear what we feel like, and don't have to bullshit with each other. On the other hand, maybe being friends with everyone isn't a good idea....

In response to the previous post, Tom Cruise is psychotic. I worry for Katie Holmes, as whenever Tom smiles or laughs, he looks like someone who could burn down an orphanage and have no remorse. There's just something evil about him....

At 10:21 AM, Blogger JumpingPuddles said...


I'm the "Amy" at the moment... maybe one day i should become the "Joanne"? hmm... highly worrying thought.


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