Women Drivers

Women drivers! Can't drive with them, can't drive into them. A survey of stereotypical male drivers revealed the following reasons for the inability of females to drive from point A to point B without being cussed out.

1. They don't know how use proper signals. In fact, they don't signal at all! They do it outside of the car too. Saying one thing and meaning the other. Who the hell understands that you want to turn right WHEN YOU DON'T TELL ME SO?!?!? Am I supposed to figure it out from your sullen pouting and crossed arms?!?

2. They cannot park. But who can blame them? It is not their role to learn how to fit something long in a slot.

3. They are always checking themselves out in the rearview mirror. Fiddling with their makeup, their hair, their clothing....does this Buick make my ass look big? Are they trying to look good for other drivers? Well I can't tell and I DON'T CARE because I'm too busy checking out the billboards of lingerie models.

4. They cannot read a map nor can they remember the way to anywhere. As a result they will always get lost. Not like me, I have memorised all the possible paths, the secret treasure and weapon rooms and I can blast my way through millions of undead to arrive in record time.

5. They are clingy. They cling to the wheel. They tailgate. Clingy, clingy, clingy. No room to breathe, wherever I go she's there. Too clingy.

6. They refuse to do certain things on the road. Not adventurous at all. They should not be afraid to get down and dirty...like in the movies.

7. Mood swings. Oh god, the mood swings. One minute they're all honk if you're available, then when you try to change into their lane, they give you a stare that makes my radiator freeze over. AND THEN they're trying to cut into your lane to show who's in control.

8. They stall at lights. It's because they want to think, want to talk things over. Want to even hug the damn traffic light. Enough with the emotions, lady. Just try to figure out which one is the accelerator and STEP ON IT!

Despite the reasons given above, I take great pride in being a woman driver. I appreciate the fine art of putting on mascara while driving over somebody's foot. Every woman should rejoice in this blessing of womanhood by personalising her own car. But don't run off to buy cutesy Hello Kitty car accessories or a radical paintjob just yet.

I was thinking of something a little more personal. This way, all the men drivers will know exactly who the women drivers are and give us a wide berth. M'ladies, your FotzeWagen Beetle (kind of Not Safe For Work) awaits.

English translation is available. It was the most popular story in Russia on that day after "Circus bear breaks loose during the show".