Miss Universe: The Major Players

O Canada! I had my doubts when you strode on the stage exceeding the allowable dimension and weight limits for plumage on clothing...but you powered through and proved beyond a doubt that you are the prettiest beaver on the block.

Miss Canada prevailed amidst the strong competition provided by the Latin American crowd, including:


Miss Nicaragua who was wheeled on stage as a spectacular marine-themed Mardi Gras float. If you look closely you can see tiny gay and lesbian people waving from vantage points on her shoulders and wrists.


Miss Ecuador and her ornamental toothpicks. Just kidding, no cultural insensitivity intended! This is actually what spoilt rich Incans wore on ski trips to the Andes.


Miss Guyana. Poor Miss Guyana never had a chance once she fell out with her pet man-eating plant over "creative differences". She did not appear again for the rest of the show but the plant went on to win the award for Miss Healthy Appetite.


And of course the scintillating beauty of Miss Venezuela. *Sigh* It's as if Cher never ended her farewell tour.

By stark comparison the pageantry attire of some of the so-called world "powers" was disappointingly sub-par and not in line with their nuclear weapons capabilities.

United States

If you were to ask the general American populace today what the ideal American woman looked like, the answer would overwhelmingly be "Jessica Simpson in a string bikini top and short shorts soaping up a car in the most lascivious manner possible". Which raises the question of how a modestly bosomed brunette prairie woman with a tornado in her skirt got to be Miss America.

United Kingdom

If push came to shove, Miss United Kingdom would make quite a crappy warrior princess. Firstly, the unwieldy headdress would restrict movement and make her an easy target. The body armour offers little in the way of protection and no camouflage given the way the sunlight would reflect off the metallic panels. Her long swingy braid is her key weakness because we all know it ain't a bitchfight unless there is some major hairpulling involved. In the heat of the battle it would inevitably get caught up with the Cape of Impractical Length. Finally, if she's not up to speed on the stain removal and laundry care techniques, she's going to be in a very rough time indeed.

Russia

Are baby doll dresses and over-the knee-socks the only things that Russia have to show for after more than a decade of modernisation? Oh just grow up Miss Russia. This tomfoolery is exactly the sort of thing that will cause another territory to rise up and secede.

What a diplomatic nightmare. No wonder there's so much whingeing over who gets a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.