Tuesday, May 31

Miss Universe: The Major Players



O Canada! I had my doubts when you strode on the stage exceeding the allowable dimension and weight limits for plumage on clothing...but you powered through and proved beyond a doubt that you are the prettiest beaver on the block.

Miss Canada prevailed amidst the strong competition provided by the Latin American crowd, including:


Miss Nicaragua who was wheeled on stage as a spectacular marine-themed Mardi Gras float. If you look closely you can see tiny gay and lesbian people waving from vantage points on her shoulders and wrists.


Miss Ecuador and her ornamental toothpicks. Just kidding, no cultural insensitivity intended! This is actually what spoilt rich Incans wore on ski trips to the Andes.


Miss Guyana. Poor Miss Guyana never had a chance once she fell out with her pet man-eating plant over "creative differences". She did not appear again for the rest of the show but the plant went on to win the award for Miss Healthy Appetite.


And of course the scintillating beauty of Miss Venezuela. *Sigh* It's as if Cher never ended her farewell tour.

By stark comparison the pageantry attire of some of the so-called world "powers" was disappointingly sub-par and not in line with their nuclear weapons capabilities.

United States

If you were to ask the general American populace today what the ideal American woman looked like, the answer would overwhelmingly be "Jessica Simpson in a string bikini top and short shorts soaping up a car in the most lascivious manner possible". Which raises the question of how a modestly bosomed brunette prairie woman with a tornado in her skirt got to be Miss America.

United Kingdom

If push came to shove, Miss United Kingdom would make quite a crappy warrior princess. Firstly, the unwieldy headdress would restrict movement and make her an easy target. The body armour offers little in the way of protection and no camouflage given the way the sunlight would reflect off the metallic panels. Her long swingy braid is her key weakness because we all know it ain't a bitchfight unless there is some major hairpulling involved. In the heat of the battle it would inevitably get caught up with the Cape of Impractical Length. Finally, if she's not up to speed on the stain removal and laundry care techniques, she's going to be in a very rough time indeed.

Russia

Are baby doll dresses and over-the knee-socks the only things that Russia have to show for after more than a decade of modernisation? Oh just grow up Miss Russia. This tomfoolery is exactly the sort of thing that will cause another territory to rise up and secede.

What a diplomatic nightmare. No wonder there's so much whingeing over who gets a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.

24 Comments:

At 3:08 AM, Blogger oliviacw said...

Correction on the Miss USA costume: that would be a southern belle, not a prairie woman. That's a direct copy of a dress from "Gone With the Wind", which obviously does not hold the same clear recognition or symbolism outside of the US as it does within it (the latter is perhaps good, for an international event).

 
At 4:57 AM, Blogger Danielle said...

ack! I feel compelled to say that that costume does not represent Canada in any way I know. But what do I know? I'm just a Canadian...

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger stilt said...

I wondered if USA got confused and thought it was come as your favourite nursery rhyme character.

And how could you have not found a starting spot in this steller line up for the national costume worn by our very own Miss Australia? I'm sure I'll be seeing this outfit all over the city by next week.

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Oh, that was the dress Scarlett O'Hara wore at the beginning of the movie? But that dress was pretty and not mottled at all.

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

forgive me - i've never followed the Universe pageant closely. but I wonder - who actually gets to decide and design these dresses? Does the representative gets a say at all on what she's being forced to wear in front of billions of people? I can understand that multicultural countries like Canada or USA not actually having a proper national costume and thus coming up with those embarassing outfits, but dont Ecuador or Guyana have proper national costumes?
-manonmars

 
At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wore a dress like Miss Guyana's in my third grade Spring Pageant. Also, your "cutest beaver in Canada" comment made me chortle with glee.
Atmikha

 
At 11:32 PM, Blogger Jon said...

I caught the end of the pageant and laughed my ass off at the inability of any of the 6 finalists to answer the question at hand. In fact, Miss Canada was the only one who vaguely answered the question, 'vaguely' being the highlighted word. I think my IQ dropped 50 points just by tuning in.

And did you see Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? What was up with his hair????

 
At 3:02 AM, Blogger oliviacw said...

Yup, not the first dress from GWTW, which was a white frilly thing, but the second one, the "barbecue party dress". Which was white with a green floral pattern - here's a black and white shot of it.

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger Kate said...

I speak as an American when (after looking at that picture) I can only say "What the hell was that???"

 
At 2:08 AM, Blogger Monologist said...

I didn't see the show nor do i really care, its all pre-determined anyways, and Trump the man behind it all doesn't stree "power to women" it just stresses" cmon lemme sell your body in an international theme"
All those countries need to grow up, sheesh!
I don't understand the comment iwth american being a melting pot etc, if it was a melting pot it should incorp all representation of the people of the world, then why is miss usa always white? not to sound racial or anything, but they are more times when miss usa is white rather than black.
And the "traditional" sense of the country doesn't incorp immigrant cultures.
Canada looks gay, by cnanada was always gay so nothing big there.
I like Guyana, Ecuador etc cultural custumes, before you say "oh wow I was actually wearing that when I wa sin teh frist grade, understand why a flower was chosen instead of stupid uneducated comments"
Nice blog btwn.

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger Rightwingsparkle said...

Yikes! My daughter just finished her first pageant in the Miss. USA ciruit. I had never even watched a pageant before. She will be in the Miss Texas Teen USA pageant on TV in November. but if this is where it leads then I am putting a stop to it NOW!...;-)

 
At 5:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Miss USA costume is the same dress that Carol Burnette wore in her spoof of Gone w/the Wind sometime back in the mid 70's. Wonder if any of the judges were old enough to recognize it?

 
At 10:31 PM, Blogger star said...

In 1998, Miss Universe changed its name from Miss Universe, Inc. to Miss Universe Organization and The headquarters moved from Long Beach, Los Angeles to New York city that year. Donald Trump brought in a new team of professionals to the contest headed by its new CEO, Molly Miles, and president Maureen Reidy. Miles coined the slogan "Redefined for Today" for promotion of the pageants. That year, the new Miss Universe logo was born: The Woman with the Stars, which is still used today.
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The first use of the title "Miss Universe" was as part of International Pageant of Pulchritude which began in 1926. These events, the first international contests, lasted until 1935 when the Great Depression and other events preceding World War II led to their demise. This pageant had no direct relationship with the modern event.

 
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