Wednesday, May 25

Sifting through the cutting room floor

I don't know how George Lucas could have in good conscience released a Bai Ling-free Star Wars movie. This is what the janitors found as they sifted through the cutting room floor and hopefully it will find its way into the extended DVD version.

WARNING: Major spoilers!!!

Scene 1

Art imitates life when Bai Ling shows up to a Council meeting unannounced and mugs for the camera. Nobody knows who invited her, who she is and her purpose for being there. Mace Windu is heard complaining about the tackiness of people who will turn up to anything nowadays, even the opening up of a lightsaber.

Scene 2

Bai Ling overhears Chancellor Palpatine trying to lure Anakin over to the dark side. Her dress is shocked by the Chancellor's duplicity and promptly slides off her body.

Scene 3

Several of the top Jedi masters have been captured and imprisoned by droid forces. Bai Ling must cleverly disguise herself as a harmless Floridan, slip unnoticed into prison quarters and release her friends.

Scene 4

A pregnant Padme has trouble deciding which birthing class to attend. Bai Ling solves the problem by demonstrating how to "push" properly, using ping pong balls and a variety of other sports equipment.

Scene 5

In an amazing sci-fi/anime crossover, Bai Ling transforms into Slutty Soldier Sailor Moon halfway through the movie. She quickly subdues and even earns the respect of several clones with her endearing tartiness.

Scene 6

Bai Ling enjoys a sweaty, undulating tryst with Jabba the Hutt in a seedy cantina. They go their separate ways but the experience has whet Jabba's appetite for females in clingy metallic outfits.


At 5:34 AM, Blogger evangeline said...

OMG hilarious XD

At 9:43 AM, Blogger Blandwagon said...

I suspect that the name of Leia's adoptive father, Bail Organa, is a subtle Lucasian homage to Bai Ling. Bai L, you see?

Of the Organa, you can make what you will.

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

If I had my way, it would be Bail Vagana.

At 10:52 AM, Blogger j-a said...

what does this woman really do for a living?

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Badger said...

And what, exactly, drugs is she on? And are they available in the US? Because I totally want some.

At 11:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm having an aneurysm, that was so good.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Galt-In-Da-Box said...

That bitch looks like a guy in drag. I hope it doesn't have kids...Scary thought anyone would actually have sex with that!

At 5:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, let's all be nice. The Zhang Ziyi niche has already been taken so what's a girl like Bai Ling gotta do?


At 6:51 PM, Blogger sway said...

oh I don't know about the Zhang Ziyi niche. Unless you mean it looks like someone just slammed a garbage can lid on her face and flattened it. Kinda like a persian.

as for Bai Ling, good god.

At 2:41 PM, Blogger shinyfluff said...

i love Bai Ling! She is so cute-plus, she wards off the dangerous encroachment of 'good taste' currently threatening to bore us all to death.


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