Bring on the dolls

How scary is a piece of string? Scary enough to make your bowels involuntarily release if you're sitting alone at home one night, browsing the net for something, anything to take your mind off the news that Al Pacino is hoo-hahing all over Rose McGowan and all of a sudden the String Doll Gang spring out at you when you're at your most vulnerable.

It doesn't help that the creepiest ones are the ones that are intended to be cute. Take for example Gossip Girl who's chewed off all her fingers to keep from spilling the secrets she found out while obssessively stalking people over the internet. Heart Throbber is another one you need to watch your back around. Oh, what a cute stripey leotard and sweatband, is the little cutie off to aerobics class now? No, he's returned from aerobics class and guess what's in the bag? The dismembered body parts of the perky blonde at the front who likes to flirt with the instructor. Alas she will cardio funk no more.

Then there's Lover Boy who I think I briefly dated a long ago. It didn't work out because our dates were always the same - watch a movie, stop by the butcher for a fresh raw heart for him to snack on, then his eyesockets would start weeping blood and we'd have to call it a night. I also grew tiresome of those infernal red cutoffs very quickly.

Captain Bad isn't so frightening looks-wise but his parenting skills are atrocious. My advice to Captain Bad is to get one of those office jobs with the word "process" or "support" in the title that offers a decent salary and regular working hours. That way you can support your son Collin the Pirate properly instead of sending back the odd worthless Spanish doubloon and he doesn't have to break in cars for lunch money.

The String Doll Gang come with a warning that they shouldn't be bought for kids under 8. I don't see how any child could have prepared for such trauma in 8 short years. It's not as if they turn 8 and then POW! BAM! they've totally conquered their childhood fears. Bring on the bedroom shadows! Bring on Requiem for a Dream while you're at it too!

I recommend that you wait until your child turns about 18 before you carefully expose them to such things. Once they've come to accept the twine mutants with barely concealed uneasiness, you can then slowly wean them onto the Forget Me Not dolls. Damn. I just ruined another pair of pants and the computer chair.