Thursday, October 6

Thoughts of a foetus

I managed to push Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey out of the headlines. Yay me! I hear that I'm going to be the first virgin birth that the human race has had in a while. The PR peeps and I are still working out when I will actually make my grand entrance, but that really depends on when Mission: Impossible III is ready for the cinemas. You know, if problems crop up in the editing suite, I could be in here for a more than year.

But I don't mind so much. It's no Beverly Hills mansion because it's quite clean and cozy in here. Plus, it gets pumped full of niacin each day. Detoxification tickles! I heard that Sean Preston Spears-Federline had a really bad time while he was in Britney's womb - that place was rancid! Dad also reads aloud to me everyday to keep me entertained. The History of Psychiatry, Put Your Manners Back In, Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Xenu, these bedtime stories are so fascinating. When I grow up I want to be an Operating Thetan Level VII.

Gosh, I'm starting to get really excited about my future life of luxury. I've already compiled a list of things to do: 1. Rehire Pat Kingsley. 2. Laugh in Kal El Coppola Cage's face. 3. Go shopping (hopefully Marc Jacobs will have released his baby line) 4. Eliminate Isabella, Connor and Dakota. 5. Throw up/crap/urinate on Oprah (the person, not the show).

My mum is being played by Katie Holmes, who got the part after Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba and a couple of others passed on the opportunity to spawn me. Their loss! I'm probably the only one closer to Mum than her handlers at the moment. I know her every thought and movement. Like how she feels insecure about all the hunky oiled up gardeners, poolboys and other household staff who don't seem to have the slightest bit of interest in her. Or how she keeps a packed suitcase and fake passport locked in a bank vault just in case she wants to flee this whole nightmare and start a whole new life again. But I'm saying all of this is in extreme confidence so don't you DARE print this or you'll have my lawyers to answer to.

I guess people are going to start speculating on my gender too. Dad wants a boy he can do action sports with while Mum doesn't really care as long as she gets her figure back. Personally I'm a little confused as to what sex I'm supposed to be. I don't think that is an extra finger growing between my legs. But at the same time I have a feeling that I like boys (crushing on Maddox BIGTIME!). Even though I'm told that girls smell good and look pretty. But then again I've also been told that we descended from clams. Hahaahahahah. Hahahahahaha. Oh god, I think I'm developing my dad's overlaugh.

Another blog to visit: Says the Asian Leprechaun - Yesterday, my left breast and my right breast were arguing... I looked down at my chest and shouted, "Bitches, get in line, or I'm putting on a bra!"


At 4:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another classic post.


At 10:38 PM, Blogger scout said...

this is getting out of hand. did you read the W's issue with Katie Holmes on the cover? it totally creeped me out.

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Maddie said...

i'm not sure if you've heard but each of his latest wives was 11-years younger than the previous one.

mimi rogers was his first wife and born in 1956. his second wife nicole kidman was born in 1967, and his latest catch Katie Holmes waa born in 1978.

if its coincidental, that is SOME FREAKY SHIT. if its not a coincidence, then i just hope that it all doesnt involve rituals. and death. and babies. (well DAMN it's too late now katie's preggers now isnt she?)

At 11:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spirit Fingers, how do I get through the day without you? Marry me (in like a totally nonsexual way...much like TomKat over there)

At 3:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope Katie gets a post partum depression only the strongest Zoloft can cure

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I'll marry you if you are a Greek shipping billionheir.

At 8:09 PM, Blogger the Bromgrev said...

Oh, great, now my German neighbour tries to avoid eye contact when we meet on the stairs. She must have heard me trying to work out how to do an overlaugh.

At 1:25 AM, Blogger The Scarlett said...

Interesting, Maddie, that 11-years younger thing. I was looking at actresses born in 1989 and I can't find a next, candidate.

At 10:52 PM, Anonymous Poppy said...

Check out all the actors born in 1989 on
IMDB. My top contendors are Brie Larson, Kristin Herrera and Mason Musso.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger piano said...

STAL has moved! To


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