Thoughts of a foetus

I managed to push Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey out of the headlines. Yay me! I hear that I'm going to be the first virgin birth that the human race has had in a while. The PR peeps and I are still working out when I will actually make my grand entrance, but that really depends on when Mission: Impossible III is ready for the cinemas. You know, if problems crop up in the editing suite, I could be in here for a more than year.

But I don't mind so much. It's no Beverly Hills mansion because it's quite clean and cozy in here. Plus, it gets pumped full of niacin each day. Detoxification tickles! I heard that Sean Preston Spears-Federline had a really bad time while he was in Britney's womb - that place was rancid! Dad also reads aloud to me everyday to keep me entertained. The History of Psychiatry, Put Your Manners Back In, Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Xenu, these bedtime stories are so fascinating. When I grow up I want to be an Operating Thetan Level VII.

Gosh, I'm starting to get really excited about my future life of luxury. I've already compiled a list of things to do: 1. Rehire Pat Kingsley. 2. Laugh in Kal El Coppola Cage's face. 3. Go shopping (hopefully Marc Jacobs will have released his baby line) 4. Eliminate Isabella, Connor and Dakota. 5. Throw up/crap/urinate on Oprah (the person, not the show).

My mum is being played by Katie Holmes, who got the part after Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba and a couple of others passed on the opportunity to spawn me. Their loss! I'm probably the only one closer to Mum than her handlers at the moment. I know her every thought and movement. Like how she feels insecure about all the hunky oiled up gardeners, poolboys and other household staff who don't seem to have the slightest bit of interest in her. Or how she keeps a packed suitcase and fake passport locked in a bank vault just in case she wants to flee this whole nightmare and start a whole new life again. But I'm saying all of this is in extreme confidence so don't you DARE print this or you'll have my lawyers to answer to.

I guess people are going to start speculating on my gender too. Dad wants a boy he can do action sports with while Mum doesn't really care as long as she gets her figure back. Personally I'm a little confused as to what sex I'm supposed to be. I don't think that is an extra finger growing between my legs. But at the same time I have a feeling that I like boys (crushing on Maddox BIGTIME!). Even though I'm told that girls smell good and look pretty. But then again I've also been told that we descended from clams. Hahaahahahah. Hahahahahaha. Oh god, I think I'm developing my dad's overlaugh.

Another blog to visit: Says the Asian Leprechaun - Yesterday, my left breast and my right breast were arguing... I looked down at my chest and shouted, "Bitches, get in line, or I'm putting on a bra!"