Tuesday, March 28

The art of seduction

Why don't you lean in a little closer to the computer screen and we can have a cosy tête-à-tête about the art of seduction? I think we could all use a little self-improvement in this area, unless of course you feel completely secure in the company of your 1000 stinky mewling cats or you are gay in which case there are four failproof methods as shown by a recent open-air seminar in Hong Kong.



Now that I have your full attention, I offer up some cogent solutions for people seeking to attract the opposite sex.

GUYS
Women are such exquisite creatures that you cannot purport to achieve mastery over all their different types in one lifetime. Therefore you must focus your energies in one sector - eg a particular hair colour, a particular occupation, a particular way of tucking you in bed just like how Mum does! Some men would have you believe that the only women worth seducing are topless dancers. They are totally correct. So much so that there is an entire book devoted to this niche called "Topless Secret - An Insider's Guide to Scoring with Dancers." (www.topless-secret.com)

Why this book hasn't trounced Dr Phil's fluff on the New York Times list is beyond me. At $19.97, it has a lot going for it:
- the author's image on the website is photoshopped very convincingly
- the author has 15 years of experience living and breathing titty bars
- strategy, strategy, strategy

Once you've learnt the secrets to wooing topless dancers, you can look forward to a whole lot of Dude! Duuuuude! Phwoar!!! *secret manly handshake* *high-five* *back-slap*

GALS
Here's a little tip. If your man says that he likes you just the way you are, he is too stingy to pay for your surgical enhancements. He would rather spend the money frequently topless clubs. However Plastic Assets is more than happy to provide financial independence in this respect.

I'm sure the cost of the implants is built into some exorbitant hidden interest rate and fee structure but don't let the fine print dissuade you. There are discounts for any future work you want done (and let's face it, that butt of yours hasn't been looking too crash hot lately).

Always remember that breasts and cleavage are the lynchpins in any effective seductive strategy. Downplaying them would be like marching into war without heavy artillery and tinned food. What are you going to let the object of your affections grab onto when he's drunkenly pawing in your direction? Your personality?

Another blog to visit: The Philosophical Marshmallow - 100% woman. Mixed it up in Seoul, London and Hong Kong before landing to rest in New York. Partying will resume at age 30.

7 Comments:

At 3:46 AM, Blogger jeff said...

Plastic Assets looks like a terrific spoof site...

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Yeah it was the winning entry in the Huffington Post Contagious Festival whatever that is

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger Jon said...

Hmm, methinks the Indian should do a sit up....or several million

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Barneys Girl said...

omg did these men seriously dressed like that in the middle of central???? i hope they were VERY well financially compensated for it.

 
At 12:11 PM, Anonymous marshmallow said...

disturbing sight indeed.

thanks for the shout out, SF!

 
At 1:26 AM, Blogger scout said...

but i thought this was some sort of a joke among those guys in the picture, no?

 
At 2:58 AM, Anonymous freshbeats said...

it's always the topless dancers. man, i'll tell you... the topless nuclear physicists are where it's at!

 

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