In the boardroom with Daddy Trump

Donald Jr
Donald when I first saw you and that familiar-looking chin, I thought you had a great deal of potential. But after your recent performance I don't know if you have what it takes to be a Trump. You were a disaster out there on the golf course last week. I needed you to focus on your swing but your mind wasn't there. I'm still annoyed at how you managed your wedding. The project went over way budget because you went with a Hawaiian theme. Did you check the prices of dolphins and turtles beforehand? You're a good kid and luckily you picked a looker for a wife. That really saved you. If she wasn't my daughter-in-law, perhaps I'd be dating her. Theoretically I still could because she's not a blood relation. You have a think about that because I'm not going to wait around forever for you to lift your game.

Ivanka
Coming into this game, you had two things working against you. Chipmunk cheeks and a trashy sounding name. I think you handled puberty splendidly and you've made me proud to have such a hot daughter. Getting some modelling experience as well as a college degree was a well thought-out strategy. However I feel you should be putting yourself out there more. I want your name to be the first one that comes up when people think heiress. I want you to have your own reality show where you gallivant around the countryside performing acts of random kindness to yokels in return for money. Your immediate challenge is to help the ratings on my show go up. For that you could stand to lose a little more weight and wear more revealing clothing.

Tiffany
Last time we spoke I thought those braces would be coming off. I'm not particularly impressed by what I see. What are you, 12 now? When the child support runs out then what are you going to do? At least if you looked like your mother you could run out and snare a billionaire, maybe even make the marriage last for more than what the prenup is set up for. Your lack of a feasible business plan is very disappointing. However I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because you're still at that awkward age where you're not even aware of the fact that your mother said I was the best sex she ever had. I presume that I am paying for your very expensive education so start making connections with your schoolmates now. I don't see how someone who's the product of good sex and good education can have achieved so little.

Barron
To be honest I wasn't too thrilled to have you on board. I have to admit though that you did a good job with the pregnancy. There were no irrational mood swings, bouts of morning sickness and best of all no stretch marks. Melania and I are very pleased and as a reward, you get to spend some valuable time with me on my yacht this week. Every bit of extra time brings you closer to earning paternal love. In the meantime, work on your communication skills and your temper. I saw you scream and throw food at the nanny the other day. If this is how you're going to be like when managing a staff of thousands then I feel pretty comfortable handing the reins over to you.

Eric
The time has come when you can no longer coast off being the youngest son. You had nine months to prepare for this yet I don't see you stepping up to the plate of second-youngest son. You're very smart but too quiet. Out of everyone, you make the least contribution to dinnertime conversation. And how long did it take you to pick out a Trump Parc condo to live in? My marriage to your mother was a mess and you, Donny and Ivanka just stood there and let it happen. Which one of you do you think should get fired? See, you can't even make a firm decision about which sibling to backstab. There's also your lack of confidence. Why haven't you brought home a foxy model yet? Don't make excuses. They don't all have herpes. Eric, you're fired. Pack your things and get out of here.

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