Celebrity tabloid apologies

Last week we ran an article (with the headline "J-Lo's pregnancy glow") wherein we boldly declared without any shred of evidence that Jennifer Lopez was pregnant with twins that were most probably fathered by one of her ex-husbands or Macaulay Culkin. The story went on to state "Lopez, 37, dropped thousands on baby clothing at a posh baby boutique while her zombielike husband shuffled behind her silently". We apologise for not getting Ms Lopez's age right and would like to clarify that at the date of publication, she is only 34, and has always been 34 for the past three years.

In last month's news about upcoming movie projects, we reported an unfounded rumour that Keira Knightley was in talks to play glamour model Jordan in her big screen biopic. Contrary to what the tone of our article might have suggested, we now accept that Ms Knightley would be the perfect choice for this role once you consider the miracles that special effects and latex prosthetics can achieve these days. We apologise for any hurt and distress caused by our initial disbelief and look forward to being wowed by the power of CGI.



This morning when posting a poor review for the new "Miami Vice" movie on our website, we mistakenly ran an accompanying picture of a Monchhichi doll instead of actor Colin Farrell who is one of the movie's stars. We apologise to the creators of Monchhichi for any deep distress and acute embarrassment caused but can't promise that it won't happen again the future

Yesterday our front page headline read "George Caught Cruising for Sex!". The article that followed made reference to George Michael's search for male sexual partners in public places. It has come to our attention, through a strongly worded legal notice, that by repeatedly using the word "cruise" and all its derivatives in our article to denote unnatural acts, we have cast aspersions on Tom Cruise's family name. Mr Cruise is only familiar with heterosexual intercourse and indeed fathered a baby daughter with his FEMALE partner Katie Holmes through this method. We retract all our statements in this regard and apologise profusely, grovelling on our knees, for having caused any non-heterosexual connotations through this regrettable choice of words. We have also agreed to pay an undisclosed sum to the religion of Mr Cruise's choice and to stop questioning the existence of Suri Cruise.

Our April issue contained a feature titled "How to stay young by wearing a red string bracelet" which had a 10 page photospread of ageless beauty Madonna. Due to an oversight in the production process, some of the pictures were not photoshopped extensively enough. We apologise unreservedly for failing to effectively perpetuate the myth of eternal youth through Kabbalah and alarming readers who are unaccustomed to seeing Madonna in her natural state.

On Monday we ran a gossip item about Jessica Simpson and her six point plan for peace in the Middle East. In it we referred to Ms Simpson as "a recently divorced singer and actress". We apologise for falsely implying that Ms Simpson had any acting ability whatsoever and think that calling her a "singer" might be pushing it slightly as well.

We would like to alert our readers to a misprint in last weekend's story about Naomi Campbell's latest infraction with the law. In our haste to break the news we alleged that Ms Campbell had "anger management issues" and was "a tad unhinged". We acknowledge that these allegations were substantially watered down. What we really wanted to say was that she is one crazy screwed up b*tch who needs to be locked away and we apologise for not having the balls to say so in the first place.

Next update: Wednesday 26 July